Illusion delusion illumination and confusion.
The word ‘illusion’ ‘delusion’ and ‘illumination’ are all words which are different prefixed forms of the Latin word light: ‘Lucis’.
I admit frankly to going through the mystical sequence recounted in the previous chapter and am happy to say that I’ve still got a full set of marbles and all screws are still fully tightened. However it took a lot of luck to get me through it. But when I look at the word ‘luck’ I find it way too small and casual a word to really describe how I feel about having escaped from the darkened underworld into the light of true awareness. The word ‘grace’ seems a little better, but that too has negative associations of being part of God’s chosen elite or something.
I will freely admit that for one brief moment I entertained the possibility that maybe I was ‘dead’, in a spiritual sense, and that something had happened during my life to prompt this inner death. In my disordered state I imagined that perhaps a lot of what had subsequently happened was not real but the result of a kind of purgatory. Many puzzling and seemingly miraculous things had happened to me during the years, strange and unaccountable coincidences which at the time seemed rather cool but looking back at them in my new state I wondered if perhaps they had been too good to be true, and that is they too were somehow part of some unreal fantasy that I have been involved in without quite knowing it.
One time I had arranged to go to the Phoenix festival in 1996 with my girlfriend but my ticket had somehow disappeared, I since learned that a rather unpleasant flatmate had stolen it, but to be honest, even his act of thievery helped me find the way to something extraordinary. Searching desperately around the flat the ticket was nowhere to be found but my girlfriend was all ready to leave and so it could be put off no longer and off we drove down to the festival. We arrived, somewhat perplexed about my ticketless state and there seemed to be none available to buy at the site.
We camped up because fortunately the camp site and access to the festival ground itself was in a separate area and my ticket was required only to enter the music arena. So we hung around, while time ticked on, the festival had started it appeared that I would miss Frank Sidebottom. Another band I really liked ‘Gene’ were due to play and it appeared they too would be missed. My girlfriend and her friends started getting restless and said that they would have to go into the festival, they had been very sympathetic to my plight but they had to start enjoying their weekend. I got up from our camping spot and decided to go on a disconsolate little wander around the campsite, not quite knowing why or where I was going, I imagined that by the time I got back my friends would be in the festival and at least they would be having a good time. So I wandered around and saw something shiny on the ground, I had that feeling when you maybe find a £5 note, you can’t quite understand what it’s doing there and you can’t quite believe it, but all the same you pick it up and put it in your pocket. I kicked at this shiny thing on the ground and stooped to turn it over. It was two full tickets to the Phoenix festival. This was strange!
At this moment in time I became convinced of a deeper hidden significance to life and that this was no mere coincidence. I returned to the tent with the tickets to the delight of my friends. I promptly sold one of the tickets to a tout and made enough money to ensure we would have a great weekend. One of my friends observed sagely ‘it looks like this is your festival!’ Not only that but I arrived in perfect timing to see Gene and not only that but it turned out that Frank Sidebottom has rescheduled his appearance to the following day.
It really was ‘my festival’. It was almost as if, going for that aimless stroll around the tents I had asked a question or searched for a sign and one had arrived just in time.
There are two subsequent times when I had asked for a sign and they two had dully arrived. One was sat in a cinema in France with my then French girlfriend and we were watching a film. I was feeling a little insecure about the future and my own life, I didn’t have a job nor could see much hope of any kind of meaningful profession myself, I used to suffer from occasional bouts of melancholy and would need something to set me off in the right direction again. So I stared at the screen and was surprised to see my own name and surname appear on the screen in front of me as part of the film plot. It was a kind of message that you are in the right place at the right time. Always an encouraging thought.
A similar thing happened when I was about to start university again to complete a post graduate course. I was standing exactly on the corner of a certain crossroads in London I again felt this trepidation for the future and this irrational worry that maybe I had not made the best of my life so far and that I had missed some opportunity here or there. The kind of existential worries we all have I suppose. Though I used to take them to extremes and get quiet upset by such irrational thoughts, and so I asked God for a sign. I walked a few meters and looked up and saw my own name, Christian AND surname, written as the name of the estate agents. It was weird, but proved beyond reasonable doubt that the science of coincidence surpasses by far our limited understanding.
I took this as a friendly sign from some pan dimensional power. Hopefully God or someone close to him. But I hardly think I got carried away in this instance. I mean, if you had asked for a sign and at that very moment you look up to find a variation of your own name just in front of you, you might be forgiven for feeling a little bit excited and rather happy. And so this is how I seek to live my life, with an awareness that God or something positive, is watching over me and trying to connect to me on some level. I would be reluctant to totally connect with this unknown force while on earth because it would make life rather a strange experience, I think perhaps this is what happens during the ‘gnosis’ experience, that basically your consciousness breaks through to the other side (to paraphrase Jim Morrison) but , since my rather frightening and uncomfortable ‘gnosis’ adrenochrome experience, I feel that this is not a state we should reach for while alive and living in physical material bodies. I feel that although earth is a fairly interesting place with plenty of potential and lots going on, it is not a very spiritually aware place and the first place a fully spiritually enlightened person would end up would be, if they were lucky, a psychiatric home, if unlucky, torn apart by the mob. Though perhaps times are finally changing. With people like David Icke who, although famously publicly ridiculed on live TV in front of millions, he was torn apart by the mob but he survived the experience to now become a potent force for a new generation of truth seekers who are actually willing to hear strange and unlikely sounding stories, and look at the evidence, rather than let a robotised TV brain dictate their reality. One thing is for sure. We want better and, maybe, if we are willing to open our minds to new possibilities, we might get it.
What I learned in this state was that I was far from being the only one to exist in some kind of ongoing delusional state. It takes one to know one as they say and with my changed brain chemistry I became aware that the world is quite a different place to what I had hitherto believed.
The thousand daily symbols and signs we walk past everyday and think nothing of, now shone and burned with a dark and sinister significance. For example, I noticed the logo on ‘3’ mobile phone and something dawned on me. Why did my phone have a 666 sigil on it? How long had I lived in a world in which the Biblical mark of the Beast was right under our noses and I hadn’t noticed it before? My new awareness wasn’t restricted to noticing symbols around me, but something else had happened and I noticed that in this new perceptual world I wasn’t alone. Some very strange things started happening and suddenly I found myself living in a Jason Bourne style wonderland. I went out of the house for a jog through London, as I passed through the financial city I went down an alley way nearby the main offices of Merrill Lynch, I stopped to catch my breath and suddenly three suited business men turned to face me as I walked down the alley, looking straight at me they said in unison ‘Join us!’. No joking. I knew they were masons because prior to this my tutor had put pressure on me to join the masons. I had been told I ‘wasn’t square enough’. I knew what this meant because since my adventures in Japan I had learned to recognise Masonic key words and insinuations. In retrospect I managed to make sense of all this, just as I had made sense of the strange indoctrination course in the remote French village, but at the time, having people I’d never met before in the street directly addressing me to ‘join them’ was rather surprising and I wondered what strange parallel universe I had strayed into.
During the daylight hours my new ‘illuminated’ consciousness seemed to have few drawbacks, I felt slightly trippy and as I said reality had suddenly become a lot more uncertain and unpredictable. Total strangers would appear in the street and suddenly ask me questions, it was weird. People would also look at me and wink knowingly. If I didn’t know better I would say I had entered some kind of communal consciousness, and in the London streets on the outskirts of the financial city, there were a lot of fellow Masonic inmates with whom I was now sharing my new reality. It was very weird. A shopkeeper would see me passing and make a private sign of acknowledgement to me. I’d never seen the man in my life but apparently we had something in common.
Like the film Fight Club, where the nameless Edward Norton character sees total strangers in distant cities acknowledging him and cannot understand it, this is exactly what it’s like to enter the freemason domain. When your consciousness undergoes the change in perception there must be some undetectable character trait or mannerism, or even a way you walk, that makes you recognisable by your brothers. Personally speaking, as a private person who values his individuality, I wasn’t quite sure I fancied the idea of suddenly being a part of this secret community within a community, particularly as one of the things I liked about London was its ability for one to remain anonymous and vanish into part of the crowd. I am someone who can think of nothing worse than having neighbours one is obliged to talk to everyday and people who notice your comings and goings. However it seems that certain members of this group, people you’ve never met before in your life, know as much about your private business as you yourself do, as I found in Tokyo when my employer would hold imaginary phone conversations in the next room mentioning things about me and my life while pretending it had nothing to do with me. Subsequently while working at a Catholic school some months later another mason was talking aloud to no one in particular, but was using coded language and advising me to join the masons, he said: ‘we know all about you so you’d better join or else’ without actually addressing me specifically. Again I had never met the man before, but it seemed my reputation proceeds me wherever these creepy crawly masons are lurking about. In another school a mason addressed me and cryptically asked me: ‘are you a rebel of are you part of the Empire?’. Of course I answered ‘I’m a rebel’ and he said ‘well I’m part of the Empire.’ I didn’t know if this was an attempt at intimidation of some kind, but it was genuinely difficult to be intimidated by this rather disgusting and fruity looking fat man who could well have been the local school paedophile. There was something disturbing about the fruity smile that played on his face whenever he was near the kids.
So anyway my life had generally been rather strange for at least 10 years, with strange and unaccountable occurrences and some often inexplicable things happening to me. And so in seeking to explain what was happening to me these two films: Vanilla Sky and Jacob’s Ladder seemed to offer something like an explanation. Vanilla Sky is near identical to Jacob’s Ladder but instead of merely offering the solution to the riddle that weird things are happening to you, things which go against what most people consider ‘reality’ therefore you are no longer living in reality, in fact you are dead but don’t know it yet, it suggests a radical solution. I will not attempt to disguise the fact that as a result of the Masonic attention and the mystical enlightenment I had undergone, I would say I had entered a borderline psychotic state. As I have previously endeavoured to show, the mystical Illumination and result of Masonic initiation is the psychotic schizoid state due to the excess production of adrenalin by the body which becomes adrenochrome as it breaks down in the body.
Vanilla Sky features a character played by Tom Cruise who is successful and generally envied by his friends until one day, his girlfriend decides to her car with Aames inside, off a bridge in a fit of jealous rage, leaving him terribly disfigured. His life becomes a nightmare without his good looks and he slips into despair, until one day he wakes up to find the girl he loves takes him in hand and wants to help him. However the reality around him starts to breakdown, he hears voices, music playing in his head, people act strangely and even people transform into other people while he is with them. Ok. Like Jacob’s Ladder, some of his symptoms such as hearing and seeing things which are not there, and reading too much into his environment and making erroneous connections are all symptoms of a psychotic episode or schizophrenia. In particular Jake Singer from Jacob’s Ladder is enrolled in a programme of veteran care, is it not more reasonable to assume that his odd hallucinations are the result of post traumatic stress disorder rather than the result of him being dead and trapped in purgatory?
There is a curious branch of ancient Greek philosophy called Solipsism whose main contention is that the there is no objective way to prove the existence of anything else in the world apart from yourself. That one can only be sure of oneself and that the whole reality around could be some kind of unreal fantasy. This train of thought has been attacked and discredited over the years of course because it is very close to a dangerously psychotic line of reasoning, but the fact remains that if you tell yourself that all of the stimuli available to the bodily sense may also be faked and could equally be a fantasy, then the imperviousness of this delusion would be complete. Someone in the grip of such a line of thought, who believed everyone else was fake and didn’t really exist, would be total.
So the solution offered to someone who may be having slightly unusual experiences and indeed may be developing schizophrenia, as outlined in the film Vanilla Sky, would be to run around shouting out ‘Tech Support’ at the top of your voice, before convincing yourself that none of your friends are real and throwing yourself of a tall building. Anyone who has researched schizophrenia to some small degree will know that death by jumping from high buildings is the most common cause of suicide amongst schizophrenics.John Joyce and Simon Fleminger in their research paper entitled Suicide Attempts by Jumping found that from the period of September 1990 to November 1994 there were 962 admissions to the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel via the London Air Ambulance. Of these 77 were identified as being involved in some form of self-harm of these a large proportion: 61, self harmed though jumping from a height, 51 already had case notes and a history of various psychological disturbances. In their study a clear link is drawn between psychological disturbances and suicide attempts by jumping.
Indeed, research carried out by the university hospital of psychiatry in Bern Switzerland, indicates that:
“Persons who jumped from heights in general were more likely to suffer from schizophrenia than those who used other methods.”
In the film Vanilla Sky we see how David Aames becomes convinced that neither Doctor McCabe nor his friend Brian Shelby are real. There is no doubt that this is a relatively common schizoid delusion which leads him to throw himself from the top of a very tall building in order to end the virtual reality programme he his involved in. Such a line of delusion, that someone is involved in a ‘virtual reality’ simulation of one kind or another has always been a common symptom of schizophrenia. Some schizophrenics think they are ‘dead’ or in a hell of some kind, usually this thought comes to them as a result of guilt about something they did or something that was done to them in the past and which they find impossible to put behind them. They often believe they are being punished in some way. I spoke to schizophrenia sufferers on the streets of Brighton and found this attitude that they feel they have been ‘bad people’ and that they somehow deserve to be on the streets as part of their purgatory. It is very very hard to break such a way of thinking, particularly as the human brain tends to select the evidence in the world around them to suit and support the conclusions they have already reached. For example, somebody who thinks all men are pigs or a person who had been hurt by women, will actively search for examples which fit their prejudices in order to make them feel correct in their beliefs. Other evidence which does not suit their ideas will either not be noticed or be discarded as anomalous. Not only this but you must surely have noticed that if you are feeling insecure or a little sensitive, then suddenly the world seems more threatening and dangerous. Or conversely, if you’re in love then the world suddenly appears a much more sympathetic place and wherever you look you see only happy couples and happy contented people. If you’re happy you attract good things, if you’re feeling depressed or down you will attract things which will only deepen your condition. Some people call this ‘the law of attraction’, and it is true to some extent that we do create our own reality. On one level this is nearly a mystical phenomenon which defies explanation by our current scientific methods, on another level it is totally obvious that say a happy friendly person has more chance of making friends and living in a happier reality than say a depressed and reserved person has of making new friends and meeting people.
So my question is what is the purpose of making films like this? Let’s forget the science fiction storyline for a minute because virtual reality of the type simply doesn’t exist, but mental illnesses where crazed maniacs suffocate their girlfriends (as in the Tom Cruise film Vanilla Sky) because they don’t recognise them anymore, DO exist.
Or people running through public places shouting ‘I wanna wake-up!’ or ‘It’s a nightmare!’ or other seemingly incoherent rantings, also exist. Is this film a hidden way of managing potentially dangerous schizophrenics by encouraging them to kill themselves and hence no longer be a danger to society. Who knows? It seems unlikely perhaps so there may be a second possibility for the sudden trend in these odd sort of metaphysical films.
The effect on myself of these films was to prime me for the Luciferian awareness of the masons. In particular a scene from Vanilla Sky is one of the key scenes and is the first time the viewer and indeed David Aames himself, become aware that things are really not as they seem at all. At this point the viewer still doesn’t know about the virtual reality world he is trapped in since signing up with the Life Extension corporation (whose curious jingle ‘I have the universe inside me’ evokes many of the metaphysical beliefs of many of the world’s cults and Gnostic mystery religions). What we see in this scene takes place on two levels simultaneously, the character Edmund Ventura (played by Noah Taylor) is ‘tech support’ for the lucid dream which Aames is involved in. Ventura introduces himself in the quasi mystical manner of the new-age self-help guru. It is as if we the viewer are being addressed directly by Ventura, and the viewer awaits this moment as the great unveiling that will finally explain what has been happening all along, not just to Aames but perhaps, to certain of us who have had encounters with strange metaphysical events and Masonic theatrics:
‘You must overcome your fears, regain control, take a hold of your life again.. What if I were to tell you that you can take control of all of this, everything? Even me. David look at all these people, seems as though they’re just all chatting away, doesn’t it? Nothing to do with you? And yet, Maybe they’re only here because you wanted them to be here you are their God! not only that but you can make them obey you, or even destroy you.’
It seems clear that Venture is trying to implant a delusion in Aames mind. Again I would ask you not to accept the plotline of a futuristic technology which can create an artificial reality because this is simply a fantasy, but instead, ask yourself, in the similar manner of Jacob’s Ladder and the soldier traumatised by war and having strange hallucinations, look at what elements of this situation could be real and stage managed for various purposes. While I lived in Tokyo and was being recruited to join the freemasons and also become a spy as detailed in a chapter 3, I would also find that I was more or less constantly shadowed. I would often go into an empty bar or restaurant, and within about 10 minutes I would have people sitting all around me, or if in a bar, the place would suddenly fill with people who seemed to be watching me. It happened so consistently and repeatedly that it wasn’t mere coincidence but it was an example of Masonic targeting and shadowing of selected individuals. If you can accept my claim that I was being recruited by the secret services then it stands to reason that the first thing they would do would be to be aware of my movements and secondly, to give me the feeling that I no longer had any privacy in order that I eventually learn to police myself and act with the discretion required of a spy. This is what they do and forms just a part of their overall training of secret operatives. They have to convince the spy that everything they do is watched and that they can have no secrets from the organisation they are working for.
Could not the above scene be recreated with Masonic operatives filling the restaurant and could not the character of Ventura be a Masonic recruitment agent. Particularly if Aames’ movements were fairly regular and he tended to visit the same bars, it would be quite a simple thing for a group to gradually descend on the restaurant and give the impression of being discrete and unconnected individuals but in fact they had all been called to this restaurant in order to initiate this character Aames into a new form of consciousness. Namely the consciousness that ‘you are a God’. This is how they do things and have always done it since the earliest mystery cults. They implant delusions and because of the power of the human brain, what a person sincerely believes with all their heart and soul becomes totally real for them. I have no doubt that the Kings of Europe and before them the Roman Emperors, but particularly the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs, underwent a similar experience which changed their outlook of the nature of reality and made them become convinced that they were Gods. Many schizophrenics believe they have God like power, and the distortions of reality which the misfiring neurons in their mind produce, convince them this is true. But what of the ancient Egyptians and Kings who actually possessed the genuine temporal power over hundreds of thousands of humans, would not it be almost difficult to believe that they weren’t special in some way?
But how far does this go today? What about Presidents and Prime-Ministers, even film stars and pop singers. Do they secretly harbour delusions of grandeur which explain their exalted status?
Do some of these stars of our world share the same problem as Tom Cruise’s character who admits ‘I don’t know what’s real!’? Are our leaders living in a world of their own ‘made-to-order’ delusions? Does this explain why a person like George W Bush can claim to speak to God and work for him? Just how nutty are these people?
‘Can you tell the difference between dreams and reality?’ Dr McCabe asks Aames, again this is a common symptom of schizophrenia. McCabe is, quite reasonably, treating Aames as if he were a schizophrenic. Which without the futuristic storyline of virtual reality, is exactly what he appears to be. So again, any schizophrenics watching this movie, particularly the moment when Ventura seems to directly address the audience, may find themselves following the further suggestions in the film, to the final moment of the film where the only way to resolve their problem and get rid of their symptoms is to face what Ventura calls the ‘true moment of choice’ and kill themselves and ‘wake up’ to the ultimate and more authentic reality.
What got me through the madness was a combination of things, primarily the awareness that something strange had happened to my mind and that if something in me has changed then there was no reason it couldn’t be changed back. My dabbling with LSD as a student at university told me that somehow my body was producing dopamine and psychoactive compounds. At one point I thought I was being spiked by someone but I cast that idea away as being truly paranoid and I got smart and am here hanging around to expose the weird masons and their creepy mind-fuck techniques. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it.