Devoid of melody the only thing which survived the pop-apocalypse were the scurrying scavenging creatures which had usually been considered pests: bands such as Arcade Fire, the Friendly Fires and not forgetting the Lost Paedofires. Now they are the only new pop acts left alive and are thriving and getting fat on record numbers of i-tunes downloads due to the occult power of record-company marketing Juju.
The disappearance of music from planet Earth affected bands differently. James Hetfield from the rock band Metalica, cut his hair in mourning at the loss of the music, while drummer Lars Ulrich decided to go bald and former bassist Jason Newsted quit the band altogether deciding that without music it would be pointless to continue, and set about to hunt for any remnants of music which had managed to hide. He has so far failed in this quest and now uses his bass guitar to help knock nails in while doing the DIY.
There was no perceptible change in the demonic priestess from the dark-side of pop, Lady Madonna, as she has shown no interest in music since 1988 and carried on regardless in the desolate post apocalyptical poposphere, churning out the same bland dance hits which have bored millions for the last 20 odd years, however due to the wicccan wickety witch’s powerful skills of occult suggestion, people continued to buy her records. It is believed that many other pop and rock stars use this technique to persuade people to buy their music without knowing why.
Thom Yorke’s lazy eye for instance is capable of completely mesmorising music audiences and music-journalists, and often the effect of ‘the eye’ will lead them to quite inexplicably give a new Radiohead album 5 stars when in reality and with a clear unfuddled perception, the lazy half baked rubbish dug out of the bottom of the Radiohead’s leftover music bin deserves two fingers.
Yorke was reportedly in despair following the recent birth of his son Chris Martin. Our off-the-record correspondent reports that Yorke regrets unleashing such a dreadful turd of mediocrity upon the world and blames himself for the sudden disappearance of music from the known world.
Don’t be too hard on yourself Thom. We’re sure it’s not your fault, well not all of it. Meanwhile efforts have stepped up to try to track down the Music Man and to restore melody and meaning to pop and rock music instead of the turgid noise and poorly syncopated farting with instruments which has taken its place. Hopes were raised at a Florida theatre recently when ‘the Music Man’ was reportedly sighted, but upon questioning the man revealed himself to be an actor and dancer called Matt who called us maniacs and told us to get the fuck out of his face.
The quest for the rediscovery of music continues.