Latest! Madonna injured in magickal duel with witchy rival!
Breaking news from the infernal realm of popstardom as high priestess of Pop is apparently cursed with boils and discharge during a secret showdown with a vengeful Hollywood celebrity witch. Earlier today the slightly evil pop star celebrity Madonna was spotted by concerned locals of her private English holiday village, aimlessly tramping the high street an apparent victim of a magickal attack.
On-lookers describe the Dark Queen of Pop covered in boils and emitting ectoplasm in long stringy strands which attempted to entangle anyone within range. It was reported that a small black terrier called Jacob was attacked by the tendrils and drawn towards Madonna where its energy was absorbed. The first lady of Pop then reportedly transformed herself into a crow and flew away, just like in the video for Frozen.
Friends had previously expressed concerns over her health which had been taking its toll as a result of too much investment in magical ego battles with other celebrities, but some are unsurprised. Close friend and fashion designer Ledger St.Nick downplayed his concern at Madonna’s condition and said ‘She’s doing what a woman does, she’s a woman and women have the right to not be afraid of their emotions just because they are women. You go girl!’ he hooted.
However, not everyone was quite so sympathetic. Ricky Plonker seemed unsurprised and related how at a party at Steve Coogan’s house Madonna had spontaneously and without any warning, given birth to a Golem which wandered around the room and befouled all the cocaine. The Golem was banished as a result of its careless actions and returned to the black vortex and Madonna kept her head down for the rest of the season.
Like a Virgin Hag
The Queen of the Underworld was recently in the news for having her official birth-name changed. Madonna informed the world at a press conference from a blasted heath where she stated that as of she now she must be addressed as: The Goddess of the Wicca, the Great Goddess, the Mother of All Living; the Creatrix, and the Destroyer. The Triple Goddess: Like a Virgin, the Bride, and the Hag, of the Royal Trinity of third-world adopting Mothers, Forever and ever, Ave Satanas.
Kill that Mud Blood Bitch
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal superhero father married a muggle female from Earth, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’. Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna will return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
Jumping and fighting star
Jolie, the jumping and fighting Hollywood star was voted ‘Best at Pretending’ at this year’s Academy awards ceremony for her role in this year’s action hit: ‘Kicking and Shooting in Tight-Pants’. Jolie and Pitt recently spent three days conducting rituals at the Hellfire caves in Buckinghamshire for charity. Jolie’s superhero father Jon Voigt said he was ‘sick of it all and wanted out!’
Chanting in Latin
Jolie’s children, Ramboh, Nocherty St Knox, Paxo, Pasaz, Sarah-Jane-Morgoth and Saxon were all discovered not far from the scene of the alleged spell-casting, chanting in Latin and singing acapella 80’s hits but all denied involvement.
Madge’s Stinky Vadge Rage
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Joojoo man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening.
See also below:
Something magical was in the air at the Grammy Awards this year. It seems that three of pop’s leading ladies got the memo that witches are just so hot right now. That’s right:
Madonna, Katy Perry and Lorde all seemed to have recently watched“The Craft” — or the current season of “American Horror Story” — and decided to use that programming as inspiration for this year’s show.
Madonna kicked off the trend on the red carpet, walking into the show looking like pop music’s ultimate supreme. In her wide-brimmed hat and tailored black suit, the Material Girl (who later performed with Macklemore & Ryan Lewis) looked like the leader of the pop coven. Her style quickly had fans commenting that she appeared to be auditioning to replace Jessica Lange on the witchy FX anthology series.
— RichBitchUpperClass (@RayofGene) January 27, 2014
— Tony Carter (@MrTonyCarter) January 27, 2014
Not long after Madge’s bewitching red carpet appearance, Lorde performed her breakthrough single, “Royals.” Donning her hair long and straight with some black lipstick, the 17-year-old Grammy nominee put a spell over the audience with her twitchy dance moves and gothic imagery, including a big angel statue.
COVERGIRL Katy had a total #covermoment with her spooky performance. Taking to the stage for “Dark Horse,” the singer donned a flowing dress (with an LED bra) and was surrounded by fire and gothic trees. Did we mention, she also grinded up on a broomstick pole? It doesn’t get much witchier than that now, does it?
So, which pop star outdid herself in the witch department? Fans were left debating it on Twitter. In the end, both ladies seemed to have won a place besides Madge in the pop coven.