Act 5 scene 1
Steve and Crew’s Brick Lane flat. The TV is on.
Newscaster: Steaming hot music stuff now as Madonna is apparently injured in magickal duel with Angelina Jolie. At five o’clock yesterday afternoon the slightly evil pop star celebrity Madonna was spotted by concerned locals of her private English holiday village in a tired and distressed condition.
On-lookers describe the Dark Queen of Pop covered in boils and emitting ectoplasm in long stringy strands which attempted to entangle anyone within range. It was reported that a small black terrier called Jacob was attacked by the tendrils and drawn towards Madonna were its energy was absorbed. The first lady of Pop then reportedly transformed herself into a crow and flew away, just like in the video for Frozen.
Friends had previously expressed concerns over her health which had been taking its toll as a result of too much investment in magical ego battles with other celebrities, but some are unsurprised. Close friend and fashion designer Ledger St.Nick downplayed his concern at Madonna’s condition and said ‘She’s doing what a woman does, she’s a woman and women have the right to not be afraid of their emotions just because they are women. You go girl!’
However, not everyone was quite so sympathetic. Ricky Plonker seemed unsurprised and related how at a party at Steve Coogan’s house Madonna had spontaneously and without any warning, given birth to a Golem which wandered around the room and befouled all the cocaine. The Golem was banished as a result of its careless actions and returned to the black vortex and Madonna was ordered by the Magickal Council to spend six months in a box underground.
The Queen of the Underworld was recently in the news for having her official birth-name changed. Madonna informed the world at a press conference from a blasted heath where she stated that as of she now she must be addressed as: The Goddess of the Wicca, the Great Goddess, the Mother of All Living; the Creatrix, and the Destroyer. The Triple Goddess: Like a Virgin, the Bride, and the Hag, the Royal Trinity of thirty third-world adopting Mothers.
It appears that Madonna’s condition was caused by a befuddling spell cast by Angelina Jolie which she failed to ward off during a private duel. Jolie, whose magickal father married a Muggle from the TV News, was reportedly reacting to Madonna’s public threat made live at the MTV awards, that she wanted to ‘kill that mud-blood bitch’.
Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt went to the UN and tabled a motion to ban Madonna from 3rd density Earth and send her back underground but he was blocked by Israel who weren’t ready to repatriate the Black Queen of Pop as the portal under construction beneath Mount Golgotha had fallen behind schedule and the date at which Madonna will return to the chaos void has been put back to 2018.
Jolie, the jumping and fighting Hollywood star was voted ‘Best at Pretending’ at this year’s Academy awards ceremony for her role in this year’s action hit: ‘Punch a Face’. Jolie and Pitt recently spent three days conducting rituals at the Hellfire caves in Buckinghamshire for charity. Jolie’s superhero father Jon Voigt said he was ‘sick of it all and wanted out!’ Jolie’s children, Ramboh, Nocherty St Knox, Paxo, Pasaz, Sarah-Jane-Morgoth and Saxon were all discovered not far from the scene of the alleged spell-casting, chanting in Latin and singing acapella 80’s hits but all denied involvement.
Madonna was later said to be in a stable condition, and declared able to perform by a wandering Joojoo man, at a benefit concert in support of Femiwitch terrorist organisation: Stinky Vadge Rage to be held in New-York later that evening. In related news, the star child of star Billabong Cyrus, his daughter the mad Miley Cyrus reportedly caught a virus this morning. This new blow to her career comes fast on the heels of the Dominican’s Republic’s much discussed declaration of war on Miley Cyrus on the grounds that she is an ‘unclean thing and not fit to inhabit the Earth’ which was met with apparent wordwide tuts and sniffs of disapproval, yet apparently, still stands.
Crew: Mad –eds.
Steve: quoting Fair is foul and foul is fair.
Crew: Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Steve: Sounds like our flat.
Crew: It’s Shakespeare.
Steve: without irritation Yeah I know. It was me who was quoting him.
Crew: Well, Shakespeare new the score about witches mixing themselves up with politics.
Steve: There was no Shakespeare, at least not as we know him. William Shakespeare was an illiterate Elizabethan actor. The man who wrote the plays was a very different character.
Steve: I will if you’re making some.
Crew: Francis Bacon.
Steve: Yeah I know. But I’m still hungry. Bit of Bacon would go down a treat. Go make us some bacon.
Crew: In a minute, I just want to watch the rest of this show.
Steve: Show? It’s the News, it’s not a show!
TV Newscaster: Fresh controversy…
Steve: snorts Fresh! Fresh! Why does everything have to be ‘fresh’ or ‘hot’. Jesus, making me even hungrier, hurry up with that buttie will ya?
Crew: Shhh! I’m watching this. It’s all codes.
Steve: Ha, you won’t catch me out again with that ‘codes’ cobblers.
Crew: Shhh! There IS a code, a subtext in every third line. I’m listening. Can you be quiet? I need to get in step with the code.
Newscaster: ..the disappearance of Naomi Spence and now the reported disappearance a young girl Cecilia Green, a student at the same prestigious talent school as Naomi Spence. Tosser was on fire hours ago as a Facebuck post from the young girl before her reported disappearance read: “I’m off to see my favourite star PlAttitude. Excited and” at which point in the message Miss Green inserted a nervous smiley. Speculation as to the meaning and significance of the nervous smiley has been rampant in the hours following the reported disappearance of the girl.
Crew: Look at that, do you think that’s ‘our Cecilia’?
Steve: There aren’t too many Cecilia’s in the world as far as I’ve noticed. It is her, it’s the same name. Green, our Cecilia is called Green too.
Crew: So who’s the other Green?
Steve: What are you talking about?
Crew: You said our Green was called Green too, so who was the other Green?
Steve: Green? Wh..exasperated Jesus, look in the mirror, it’s you, you’re green. You smoke too much.
Crew: Oh yeah, I gotya now.
Steve: Thank goodness.
Steve: So what was the coded message?
Crew: No, there was no code that time. It was a clear transmission.
Steve: Well that’s a disappointment!
Crew: That’s putting it mildly. Our friend and rescuer has been kidnapped, and I think we know by who. It’s time to shake rattle and roll a joint.
Steve: Then ‘spring into action’ like last time. That stuff doesn’t do us any good man. Let’s go out clean.
Crew: It might be safer.
Steve: Still that does seem funny seeing that on the news. And we’re kind if mixed up in some way in it.
Crew: I think we’re definitely mixed up in it.
Steve: We’ve got to be careful
There is a knock on the door. Crew screams again.
Steve: admonishing Get a hold of yourself man.
Crew: Sorry nervously polite who is there?
Docs: It’s Docs man, let me in quick.
Steve opens the door and Docs stealthy pounces into the flat.
Docs: Woo! It’s been a mad one today. Something evil is at large in the streets of the capital bruvs. Something emphasis the word MALEFIQUE!
Steve: We think they’ve taken that little girl Cecilia.
Docs: Oh yeah?
Steve: Looks like it. Weird it being on the news only a few hours after she was reported missing though. She must be important to someone.
Crew: Of course she is doofus: her parents, friends and loved ones.
Steve: All the same, little girls go missing all the time, it usually doesn’t get on the news until a couple of days or if the little girl is found dead. How come this is going out only after a few hours, I mean, she could just be playing at a friend’s house and forgot to call her parents.
Crew: Maybe there’s not a lot of news in the world today. Also there’s the PlAttitude connection. Same school, Tosser message.
Steve: That’s another thing, she’s only be missing a few hours apparently, and Tosser and Facebucks Is going mad, so the social-media frenzy must have started very closely to her being reported missing.
Crew: Maybe she’s got good friends.
Steve: It’s odd…. Almost organized.
Crew: And you call me paranoid?
Steve: Ah forget it, the whole things weird. I guess I’m just getting weird myself.
Crew: When the going gets weird, don’t go weird dude. Everyone knows that.
Steve: Who knows that? That’s not a saying. You’ve just made it up.
Crew: well it’s true in this case, don’t go too weird.
Steve: If I want to get weird I’ll take lessons from the master.
Crew: Who’s that?
Docs: Never mind all that boys. Listen here, there have been further developments.
Steve: In what?
Docs: slowly and with a sense of supreme importance Chemical…..warfare. His gravitas has made the two men silent. We made the Antidope. He produces a fat cigar like hand rolled cigarette, here it is: herba demonis fuga, or in English: the herb that chases away the devil. Paracelsus said “God has placed a great arcanum (secret) in the herb” A man whom official history has forgotten, is well remembered in the Tailor lodges of the world. For it was he who created the Sovereign order of St. John from the quabalist. They were closely associated with the Knights Temper whom the used to treat medically and lodge. They used to treat the Temper’s specifically with this plant to help treat battlefield casualties. But not only those with physical wounds, but also with mental ones. The rigours of killing and endless desperate slaughter led the development of a wide range of psychological problems developing in the body of Knights….
Steve: Excuse me a minute, is this a lecture?
Docs: Yes, now don’t interrupt.
Docs: And they used this herb to treat them and relieve them of their despair and madness.
Crew: Got it!
Docs: Well done, have a banana.
Steve: So what are you saying?
Docs: I’m talking about a herbal extract which historically has been known to make demons flee, something GOD himself created ‘just for the spirits and mad fantasies that drive men to despair’ I’m talking about a smoking blend which, for some reason, sends demons scattering and cowering, I’m talking weaponised Saint-John’s Wort.
Steve: You serious?
Docs: You bet.
Crew: Has it been tested? Does it work?
Docs: You bet it does. You can put it in the mix and it smokes easily too. It’s a liquid extract, super strong.
Crew: How does it work?
Docs: No idea, but it does. It must work somehow on the brain. The active ingredient is hypericin apparently.
Crew: I’m gonna Gawp it. After a moment of Gawping on the internet. Found it. Gawp top result, here: reading
Research of hypericin and its effect on GABA-activated (gamma amino butyric acid) currents and NMDA (N-methyl-D-aspartat) receptors also indicate the therapeutic potential of this substance whereby new insights in stroke research (apoplexy) are expected. Also in the relatively newly established fields of medical photochemistry and photobiology, intensive research reveals hypericin to be a promising novel therapeutic and diagnostic agent in treatment and detection of cancer (photodynamic activation of free radical production). Hypercin light mediated….works better in light apparently. Photodynamic! Wow sounds cool.
Docs: You bet it does, because as Paracelsus says, it’s from the Lord God himself in all his dazzling majesty. What we have here is gentlemen is light mediated outward projecting anti-psychoticant demon medicine.
Crew: I’ve got a question?
Steve: So have I….What’s a psychoticant?
Docs: what’s your question Crew?
Crew: Can we have some?
Docs: That’s why I’ve come round boys. What we’ve seen this past week is big and life may never be the same again, something brewing boys, and I don’t mean one of Crew’s eggy stinkers. Docs goes through his bag and brings out two 3ml vials. Here.
Steve: It looks like blood.
Docs: they used to call it ‘the blood of Christ’. Quoting: ‘Any devils and witches have no power to harm, those that gather the plant for a charm’
Steve: Docs, what are you now, a medieval minstrel? What’s with the performance?
Docs: It’s not performance my friends, we’re in the heat of battle, this information could save your life.
Crew: All the same Docs, you are milking it a bit. Looks at his vial And this stuff: there doesn’t seem to be much here.
Docs: It’s not a drink Crew, you don’t put it in a pint glass and down it. It’s an essence, you put a few drops on a joint and smoke it. I don’t know how it works but it seems to work through you. Affects those things waves his hand outside somehow, sends them flying, running away as fast as they can. I’ve tested it out.
Crew: excitedly Maybe it’s like an X-Man chemical or something, turns you into an X Man!
Steve: Egg-man more like, the super smelly hot fart power. They could call you Ignite Laughing to himself ha ha, no, Egg-nite ha ha.
Crew: Hey man, don’t bring me down.
Steve: Sorry dude, it just makes this all seem relatively normal if I’m trying to wind you up; having a go at you gives me a connection to reality.
Crew: Well, I’m glad to be of service but lay off the egg references, especially if we meet any girls.
Suddenly a man in a suit and tie walks into view having entered the room totally unnoticed just after Docs turned up.
Steve: What the fuck?
Docs: It’s a bust man.
Crew: Is it a bust? Looking nervously at the man walking towards them from the shadows then at Steve Steve is it a bust?
Steve: keeping his gaze unblinking on the man’s eyes as soon as he appeared I don’t know. Addressing the man Is this a bust?
John Hampton: I don’t think so. I could call somebody, they’d be quite interested in that new weed you’ve got hold of there Docs, as for the St John’s Wort, an interesting hypothesis and there may be something in it.
Docs: This is illegal entry, who are you?
John Hampton: My name is John Hampton and I’m not a police-officer, at least not right now.
Steve: What are you a part-time copper?
Crew: Starts singing Stevie Wonder’s Part-Time Lover Don’t want nothing to be wrong with my part-time copper.
John: to Crew Lay off there sonny. Never mind that, I know that the girl Cecilia Green was here last night.
Steve: defensively We haven’t got her.
John: I know you haven’t. But I know where she is.
John: We’ve been tracking her for months, as well as the Virgin Wood’s school for attractive children and it’s relationship with a group of men called the Tailors.
Steve: yeah, we’ve encountered them.
John: I know you have.
Crew: We’ve got this new weed that makes us see ghosts.
John: I know you have
Crew: to Steve ‘ere Steve how comes Mr Know-you-have here knows more about us than we know about us?
John: answering Crew The girl at your flat last night who can’t stop talking.
Steve: Strange Quark?
John: Yes, she’s very good at gathering information, she has a perfect memory. She told me everything you discussed last night, which bearing in mind the recent disappearance of our friends Miss Green, has become extremely valuable information to someone who would save the young lady’s life.
Steve: Like you?
John: No….deliberate pause Like us! We work together on this one. You guys know the terrain AND you’ve got a possible secret weapon. We have to move, instantly. We get in my car and we drive out to where Cecilia is being detained and rescue her.
Crew: clearly excited Awesome!
Steve: Are you sure she’s being held against her will out there? Maybe she did just forget to call her mum.
John: decisively No, that’s not it. Like I say, we’ve been tracking them for months, our spies on the inside or the organization tell us that a ritual is taking place in the caves at Felchester Abbey. There will be a virgin sacrifice. This means they will kill her. I won’t have these human sacrifices in my operating area not on my patch, not if I can help it.
Steve: What is your patch?
John: Earth is my patch.
Crew: You’re telling me they want to kill that girl who saved us the other day?
John: That’s right, so no more time for talking we have to move, now! You too Docs, we need your expertise in handling this interesting material waving to the vials of red liquid we need a safe pair of hands and a seasoned psychenaut like you for this one Docs, are you in?
Docs: Sure, ok.
Steve: Just one thing before we go, who do you work for John?
John: laughs I work for no one but God.
Crew: You’re not a Jesuit are you?
John: Jesus Christ are you kidding? I hope I don’t come across like a Jesuit.
Steve: Something culty?
John Hampton: Did you say culty?
John: Don’t be stupid, let’s just get out of here. The only thing that is real and eternal is the light of God, this is the only thing I follow. Evil and discordant events such as those perpetrated by the Tailoring brotherhood, take a severe toil on the vibrationary frequency of the human spirit, gradually weakening not only our bodies but our souls, events which darken reality as we know it. Anyone who follows the light of truth must do all he can to foil these dark plans. Listen, I work with a group of people who share information and right now I am acting on this information. That is all, I am not part of any secret conspiratorial group or cult of any kind, can we go now?
Steve: Ok out of here.
Docs: Let’s go.
They leave the flat and get into John Hampton’s Ford Fiesta.
Steve: Would have thought a guy like you would drive a Jag.
John Hampton: Classic rookie error. This car is perfect, it’s completely indistinctive. In fact I especially chose it because it is the most indistinctive. It is also the biggest selling and most common car on the streets right now: The Ford Fiesta. And the colour black, although technically not a colour, is also the most common car colour, in the UK at this time. Although I was tempted to choose white because Apple seems to have sparked a growth in white cars, however I realized that a black car is easier to hide is some trees than a white car, and that fact could be very useful for us tonight.
Crew: with awe Like camouflage.
John Hampton: Exactly. Both urban and rural. Besides, I have made some improvements.
Crew: Laughing Car-mouflage! Haha, see what I did there?
Steve: addressing John What are they?
John Hampton: This. Presses a button Crew’s chair starts to massage him.
Steve: laconically Oh that’ll be useful in an emergency. Get the bad guy to sit in the massage-seat and massage him to death.
John Hampton: haven’t finished the tour yet old boy. Well take your key or something and scratch your name into the window back there.
Steve tries scratching his name into the glass but utterly fails to even make a mark on it.
John Hampton: Not happening eh? Try a bit harder, try to chip it.
Steve starts stabbing at the glass with his key.
John Hampton: Turn up the heat!
Steve starts really hitting the window with his key, after a while he gives up nursing his hand.
John Hampton: Bullet proof glass Aluminium Oxynitride, still officially in development.
Steve: So why have you got some if you’re not some spook or something?
John Hampton: Because I happen to have shared University halls with the fella who invented it. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, you know.
Crew: Sadly I don’t know anyone. I mean, not anyone who could make me a bullet-proof car.
John Hampton: You should thank yourself you don’t need one. You’re winning the game of life by staying alive, me, I’m chancing my hand. I can’t take any risks when already so much is left to fate.
Crew: Yeah you’re right, I guess I’m getting overexcited.
John Hampton: well you’re part of it, but for me it’s a full-time job, right now just do as I say and hope we get through this successfully. We have a very dangerous mission with very dangerous adversaries who are capable of all kinds of tricks. If caught it is useless to reason with them on any logical level, they will never listen, their minds are totally controlled, and this makes them immune to reason logic and compassion, this makes them dangerous, it is also their greatest weakness. Reason logic and compassion are faster working operating systems on which to base your life. We are smarter, faster and stronger. Even if physically fighting these creatures we can easily over power them because they have no strength of their own, once you oppose them and resolve to attack them they will cower and scatter, unless their numbers are greatly superior.
Crew: How many will there be?
John Hampton: about three hundred of them.
Steven: But there’s only four of us.
John Hampton: Only for the moment.
Steve: What do you mean?
John Hampton: Don’t worry. Don’t think about anything that is about to happen, just be in the NOW, this is the source of all power, you must totally focus constantly on the present moment in the coming confrontation. Do not be distracted by anything from the past, it is totally irrelevant for tonight’s action, and do not think about what could or might happen next, just do what your will tells you to do at that moment. Be constantly thus vigilant.
Crew: Is this a Yoga lesson?
John Hampton: It’s a life-lesson. Valuable information. People pay a lot of money for all that kind of stuff you know. That’s how they get people into joining the Tailors and the Hell-Chasers, they learn a few bits of info and see a few practical demonstrations. Of course from that point they are amazed at the spiritual gifts of the Tailors and awed into total acquiescence, not to mention fear, especially as they come closer and closer to the abyss.
Crew: Hey Docs, you ok back there. What you doing?
The Doc has unnoticed been busy rolling joints, he appears to have already rolled 10 joints.
Docs: Just loading the weapons with a decent size clip. When these little rockets goes off, it’s going to be goodnight to the ghoul-show. Laughing
Act 5 Scene 2
Secret meeting of the Chapter of the secret pockets of the Knights of the sacred trousers taking place at Felchester Abbey. A video is playing. The room contains the 300 most powerful people in the world. They are all masked.
As the people in the room sit down an unseen voice address the audience.
Unseen voice: And so we reach the final phase of our plan which I am sure you await with the utmost alacrity.
A screen descends and a short video begins showing planet Earth from space.
The Planet Earth. 5 Billion years old. All of the life presently living on this planet, and almost all of the human beings on this planet have been here much much longer than their life span of some 70 years…. The image of Earth fades to a shot of a fun-fair and people going to and fro, there is a long limgering shot on a musical merry go round. As the merry go round stops, people get off and others get on and the music starts again.
Unseen voice: This represents the planet Earth, and the people respectively quitting or taking their places on the backs of the various fantastical animals represent the newly departing or incarnating souls. The new arrivals climb into their seat, their new human body, all very unfamiliar and new to them, and the ride takes them through their life, on it’s steady preset course, up and down, side to side, but never erring from its preset trajectory. What humans call ‘free will’ is really a chimera which doesn’t exist. From one moment to the next, humanity is controlled by its genetic heredity, free will simply does not exist.
The merry go round is a distraction from the ‘real life’ which exists in the pure spirit and which our master has prepared for us, for our comfort and pleasure and the time has come for our master to release the birds from their cages and allow them to fly home and perch where they will. At this, the image of the fair-ground is replaced with the original shot of the Earth, which starts to turn and weave in a rotation designed to echo the merry ground round shown before, at the same time the same carnival music starts to play.
And do it goes on, and on and on. But not for much longer. The Earth starts to increase its spinning and the movement appears to become much more erratic, the music speeds up to a frenzied pace.
The image we can see now is our preset chaotic and apparently rudderless Earth with its 7 billion human souls, it’s poverty, wide-scale environmental destruction, it’s a world of sin, it’s pious hypocrites and wolves in sheep’s clothing, a picture of Johnny St Vile appears on the screen.
Johnny St Vile: proudly audible from the back of the assembly Hey that’s me that is!
Unseen Voice: Sordid entertainments, secret atrocities hidden behind a million locked doors. He pauses and the images continues to increase in pace and the music continues to increase in frenzy Until…….The Earth suddenly explodes in a huge fireball. We act!
There are several surprised gasps which are suddenly stifled.
Finally the orders are known, like our Jacobite brothers under Lucifer, the Magogs running through that uncertain reign of Queen Anne’s protestant England we shall go out and bring this final destruction to this accursed carnival and bring all finally home to our Master in the deep skies. Our justice comes up from the very cracks in the street. We are a vapor which raises up when the temperature is just right. In bright weather we linger in the stark shadows, a Planck’s length only separates us from the street and action, but we must hold close to the night contained in the stark shadow for we can not venture out into the high-twelve brightness, but give us space for invisible thought and we can lower the blind and blind that oppressive vision which we are doomed to resent. Give us still air and a sudden coldness. A bad smell, something gritty in the eyes, the miasma rolls in, bringing us and our eternal siege. But eternal no more, for soon we shall be free. The time is Now. Send the message far and wide to every centre of power local, national and international. The time is Now. The suddenness, the speed and coordination of our fatal mission will awe and cow down any opposition. They will marvel at the organizational skill and some will think It is their God himself ordering affairs. Indeed, many of our greatest allies in this enterprise are under the strained but persistent delusion that it is their God who does our work.
Ha! Fools and imbeciles not fit for life. As if their God has the necessary malice to achieve such a task. How they insult us with their base assumptions which we feed at every opportunity. How glad we will be to see their final apotheosis of horror as they see with the clearer vision of the next life and see that they were horribly mistaken. And then we will ambush them and lead them in chains of their own fashioning. What mirth, what sport could be better for such as we? So see to it. The time is Now. This is the final order. The final, final solution to the problem of humanity.
Act 5 scene 3
John Hampton: We’ve got half an hour before the ritual begins and 1 hour of road to travel. So that means we’re going to have to move fast. Really fast. Better make sure your seat belts are on in the book.
With a screech of tires they pull carefully out of Brick Lane. Suddenly as they turn onto Shoreditch High Street the 500 HP Super Fiesta fires into life and with a fiery roar, they charge to Old Street in a second and onto the City Road, they follow the city belt, as if skirting some kind of old city wall, after roaring past Kings Cross a policeman takes a lively interest in their manner of their mobilization. He takes the radio from his pocket and calls his colleagues.
Policeman: Paddington-Green, Black Ford Fiesta seen running a red light and driving at excess speed at Kings Cross station, will pursue at distance, request surveillance information and tracking. Over
Steve: We’re going too fast through London man, we’re going to get busted.
John Hampton: They’ll never catch us. I’m a better driver and this car is a better car. Once we hit the Westway I’ll really show you watch she can do.
Steve: No please, don’t. We’ll never make it there alive.
Policeman: on the radio Target is driving West, possibly out of London onto the Westway, have pursuit cars standing by ready.
At Paddington Green Police station two Ford Focuses pull onto the Westway and turn on their blues and twos as soon as they hear the roar of the black Ford Fiesta.
Steve: hearing the siren Oh nooooo. That’s us. They’re after us, we’ve had it.
John Hampton: Nil desperandum…… auspice deo.
John Hampton: Don’t worry, we’re on a mission from God….roughly.
Steve: That’s not Latin that’s the Blues Brothers.
John Hampton: rapidly turning the wheel and a screech of tires as they narrowly avoid a horrific accident involving an articulated lorry. Auspice deo….Didn’t you do Latin at school?
Steve: Surprisingly no. Normal people don’t do Latin at school.
Docs: Mīsit equitēs ad īnsequendum
John Hampton: Except they’re not on horses and we’re not running away.
PC Parker: driving Jesus he’s really hammering it. Either his wife is having a baby or he’s had some kind of breakdown. Let’s get him. They follow the Ford in the relatively quiet evening traffic.
They follow in pursuit now driving at 70, 80…90
PC Slater: He’s a maniac, looks at the speedometer he must be doing a ton. Bloody hell, all the same go easy. I’ll radio an intercept. If they get there on time. Into radio White-city, black Ford Fiesta with 4 males driving down Westway, approx 2 minutes from your location. Intercept black Ford Fiesta travelling at speed. You’ll be able to hear our sirens, we’re running at about 20 seconds behind target.
They black Ford roars past the two police-cars waiting at Bentworth are shocked as the car arrives before they seem to hear it.
PC Jones: Bloody hell! That wasn’t a Ford Fiesta. I didn’t even see the bugger.
PC Ellis: I did, I don’t care how fancy his engine, I’m having this bastard.
The Ford is now being pursued by four police-cars. Two are 500 metres behind while the other two are about 100 metres and 300 metres behind respectively all lights and sirens.
The Ford races on ahead past Gerard’s Cross where four police cars are deployed and a police helicopter are deployed to continue the chase. Further down the M40.
John Hampton: We turn off here.
Steve: we’ll get arrested
John Hampton: No we won’t. Everything is in our favour. We know where we’re going; we are travelling in the dark; We have a better car.
Steve: What? It’s not better than that helicopter though.
John Hampton: Don’t worry about the chopper. They’re not able to land in woodland.
Crew: We’re going to hide the car in the woods?
John Hampton: uhhuh.
Steve: That’s if we get there in on piece.
John Hampton: Don’t worry, I have a secret weapon.
Crew: Awesome, what is it?
John Hampton: Ghost-car!
Crew: supremely excited Coooowuuuul
Steve: What’s ‘ghost-car’?
John Hampton: This! John turns off all the car’s lights suddenly the road ahead is in total darkness and their way now lit only by starlight.
Steve: This is crazy! You can’t see!
John Hampton: And can’t be seen. The car is now no longer visible at to all the police helicopter as it makes it way down the dark country road. Now we’ll slow down and take it easy; nothing to see ladies and gentlemen.. Let’s turn off here into the woods.
Steve: But don’t they have those infra-red camera these days?
John Hampton: It won’t do ‘em much good. The car is coated with a special protein derived from colour changing squids… It absorbs infra-red. We are completely invisible.
The police are left fuming as they search for any trace of the phantom Ford Fiesta.
PC Ellis: I’m gonna stay up all night and all morning finding that son of bitch. From Walter’s Ash to Radnage, I’ll scour the country for that fancy little black shitmobile.
The car is well hidden from view, hidden behind a thicket off a narrow bridle path just across a ditch from Felchester abbey.
John Hampton: I just need to make a quick phone-call. John walks into the bushes and makes a phone call. After a couple of minutes he returns. You guys wait here. I’m going to scout it out and see if what we can do. Starts to walk off
Crew: Shall we go mushroom picking?
Steve: Magic mushrooms?
Crew: Wrong time of year, might find some Saint George’s mushrooms, they’re yummy.
John Hampton turns back briefly intrigued by the mushroom conversation.
John Hampton: Morels, that’s the stuff, won’t grown here though, the air’s too dirty…. walks off towards the house
Crew: Even here?
John Hampton: Too close to London. Walking off.
Act 5 scene 4
John goes towards the top of the hill to the Mausoleum. He immediately seeks out Johnny St Vile and the head Wizard.
Greetings brothers: I bring you a trinity guests to do with as you please.
Johnny St Vile: All boys I suppose?
John Hampton: Yes sir.
Johnny St. Vile: asking the wizard is he a woofter? Why does he bring smelly boys?Are there no girls around here? I want to put some practice in.
Head Wizard: Remember the solemnity of the ritual Vile.
Johnny St.Vile: Solemnity of the ‘ritual’ poppycock! Putting on a particularly coarse Yorkshire accent D’you ‘ere me? You got that cocker? Poppycock I call it. Some people overhear and turn surprised to look at him It’s an orgy cub no more and no less and you’re dressing it up.
Head Wizzard: Indignant It is no such thing, the revels and their pleasures are incidental, they are merely our reward for the hours of labor we put in. They are not and never have been the end in themselves. How can you not know this Vile? As grand wizard I begin to question your commitment.
Johnny St.Vile: Get off your high-horse there Merlin the magickal, I know who you are when you’re not in here lording it up. I know what you get up to too ‘cos I’m the mug who helps you get up to it.
Head Wizard: You are to speak no more Vile under risk of punishment. Vile suddenly turns silent then starts whistling and rolling his eyes in a comical way at John Hampton who doesn’t laugh.
Johnny St.Vile: operating in ‘dual-self’ mode and pointedly referring to John Hampton If it’s not bad enough that he only likes kidnapping little fairy boys he doesn’t have a sense of humor either.
John Hampton: Sorry sir. I lived in Japan for too long.
Johnny St.Vile grunts an affirmation of a dismissal.
Head Wizard: Let us go out to these boys with our full assembly and laugh at their faces to see their supposed benefactor betray them. Oh how we shall laugh. Come! Let us all wear our revel masks both to protect ourselves and for extra mirth.
The assembly is called to order and instructions are given by the Grand Wizard for everyone to come down the hill into Bender’s wood and surprise them.
Act 5 scene 5
Docs: Did you hear that noise?
Steve: Likely a pheasant. It sure ain’t a copper and they’re our main worry right now after the highway to hell speeding adventure with cops and helarcopters and near certain death all the way out of London. Christ, I think I died twice from terror.
Crew: We made it here didn’t we? Just as like he said. I trust him implicitly.
Steve: Oh? The hitherto conspiratorial and dare I say, at times, slightly paranoid Crew suddenly trusts a man he’s never met before ‘implicitly’. What’s happening to you man? You’re going soppy.
Crew: Well, I trust him because he promised we woudn’t die and we didn’t die. I’m taking this step by step, like he said ‘don’t think about the future, only focus on the present’ that’s what I’m doing.
Docs: Let’s get down to action. Let me give you your weapons gentlemen.
Hands 10 special dual-action weed and Saint-John’s Wort joints to each man. Remember as long as you have one of these joints lit you will be safe. If your joint goes out or you run out of your joints you will be in serious danger from the 300 demon possessed buggery beggars in there.
Docs: What was that noise?
John Hampton: It’s ok, it’s me. John Hampton goes over and confiscates the joints. Suddenly behind John are hundreds of people who had all managed to approach the boys without being detected. They are all wearing a variety of awful and disturbing masks. Some are Frankenstein’s monster heads, some are aliens, others are simply grotesques images.
Grand Wizard: courteously Ahh, welcome guests. But our lodge is already full gentlemen. Therefore we will house you and clothe you in alternative accommodation. They are taken by the men forced to change into white-robes and taken to the cave temple where they see Cecilia.
Crew: Hey who are these jokers?
Steve: sardonically Why, isn’t it obvious? They’re all English Heritage gold-card members. They have permission to visit historical monuments after hours and conduct human sacrifices.
Grand Wizard: Hahaha Mr Funny. Very droll. But no, we are here with the kind permission of the land owner. Ordering take them away to the dungeon. To himself Ahh! I do soooo enjoy saying that. To Steve And maybe I can have a little fun with you too later Mr Funny, we’ll see how you feel at the sacrifice and perhaps you might sacrifice something to me and I will give something to you unconsciously touching his lips sensually with sordid delight at the thought of what he wants to give him and what he means to take away.
Steve struggles with the three men handling him towards the caves ahead at the bottom of the hill.
Grand Wizard: slowly and fruitily Ahh yes, the struggle. I do soooo love the struggle….. Appears to be getting quite emotional.
The three men are bundled over to the caves and forced to wear white robes. They arrive in a part of the cave system called ‘the dungeon’.
Waiting there is a face they recognize and one they don’t, an enormous, facially scarred psychopathic guard.
Crew: Why? It’s the little girl? Cecilia.
Steve: Never mind the little girl, take a look at the big fella.
Big Fella: Big Fella isn’t my name but it’ll do for the night. You boys watch yourselves.
Crew: But at least Cecilia is safe.
Steve: Safe? How’s being kidnapped and taken to an underground dungeon and dressed in a white robe safe?
Docs: She’s alive. I guess that’s what he meant.
Crew: calling out Hey Cecilia!
She ignores him completely.
Crew: waving Hey Cecilia, it’s us, pointing ‘the boys’!
Kora: Looks at them steadily. Slowly Are you talking to me?
Crew: Of course. It’s us, we’ve come to rescue you.
Kora: Laughing Oh really and who’s going to rescue you?
Crew: What’s going on little girl?
Kora: I am not a little girl. I am Kora the majestic queen of the underworld and daughter of a Goddess.
Docs: Maybe if we had the antidope we could bring her out of it.
Steve: Out of what?
Docs: She’s in a trance if you hadn’t noticed. Look at the lack of muscle control over the face: she has no facial expression, look at her eyes, she’s not even looking at you, she’s gazing somewhere past you. They don’t call me Docs for nothing.
Crew: Maybe you’re right. How do we snap her out of it?
Steve: Try to reason with her.
Crew: No, John said that wouldn’t work.
Steve: John? He betrayed us, he brought us here to be sacrificed or something.
Crew: Steve, we don’t know we’re going to be sacrificed, maybe we’re just being invited to the orgy.
Big Fella: That’s enough talking boys, you’re making me angry, and when I’m angry suddenly people develop broken bones.
Kora: interrupting Oh yes, you will be sacrificed.
Steve: quietly after the warning from Big Fella Oh great! We’re going to be sacrificed. Turning on Crew Orgy? Jesus listen to yourself Crew, there might be an orgy but it won’t be a fun orgy, it’ll be an evil orgy with those murderous Tailor men. Besides I haven’t seen any women, they might all be men and just us and Cecilia here. This isn’t a good thing Crew, we’ve got to bust the hell out of here, not sit around waiting for the bar to open.
Crew: humbled Sorry I lost control of myself a bit there, I guess I’m just trying to be positive.
Docs: So they’re going to kill us.
John Hampton makes an appearance and as he does so he motions Kora to depart.
Crew: Hey look it’s John, our savior.
He ignores them.
Docs: looking at John’s face Oh not him as well.
Steve: What’s your name?
John Hampton: slowly I am Pluto King of the underworld. You will eat. He offers them some pomegranate seeds.
Crew: eating Oh great I love pomegranate…Steve knocks the plate of Pomegranate seeds out of Crew’s hand.
Steve: Don’t eat them you dummy. They’re probably drugged.
Docs: explaining In the mysteries of Eleusis Persephone is kidnapped by Pluto the Lord of hell, he offers her food and she eat 6 pomegranate seeds. She has received the devil’s hospitality and so must remain with Pluto for 6 months of the year.
Steve: How many did you have?
Crew: I dunno, I shoved in a good handful though… about 25 I reckon. Do you really think they’re drugged?
Docs: In all likelihood yes. You have likely been drugged, the mysteries such as these are well known for their use of various strongly psychoactive ingredients, usually something hallucinogenic and LSD like.
Crew: So am I gonna get high?
Docs: You might. Or you might go totally mental.
Steve: Would we notice?
Crew starts getting excited.
Crew: Woooah, I can feel it: I’m coming up!
Steve: Dude, you’re not ‘coming-up’ you’ve been poisoned, that’s a very different thing. What if that stuff in the pomegranate seeds wasn’t party-pills or disco biscuit but fast acting poison, like hemlock or witch hazel?
Docs: Witch-hazel isn’t poisonous.
Steve: What’s another poisonous one?
Steve: Yeah, Mandrake, what if he’s eaten mandrake Docs what will happen to him?
Crew: Stop it man, you’re deffing me out and bringing me down, I’m trying to get my buzz on here, I’m feeling pretty up until you start talking about poison and hemlock and I go all cold and feel like I’m gonna die. Don’t let me die Steve.
Steve: Ah man, don’t say that, what if you do die what am I gonna do with myself with you laying that guilt-trip at my door.
Docs: Wait a minute, let’s be logical. How do you feel? And did you notice any strange tastes when eating the seeds?
Crew: I feel alright…. And no they didn’t taste funny at all. I feel kinda trippy.
Docs: He might be alright… Let’s hope so. It’s possible that the effect of drugging us was to make us less aware of the reality of what was happening around us, a kind of sedative but we’ll have to see what else happens to Crew.
Steve: Well, if there’s any drugs to be found on a night you can be sure Crew will be there to hoover them up every time.
John Hampton picks the plate up from the floor.
Pluto: You will soon be sacrificed to me and I will take my bride.
Steve: John, John mate? What happened to you? I thought we were friends.
Pluto: I am Pluto, I have no friends.
Steve: Shit man, that’s deep. Y’know if we had any of that antidope we’d be able to fix all this I reckon. Get these two dummies out of their demon-trances.
Docs: Remember that John betrayed us even before he was put into the trance.
Steve: That bastard.
Act 5 Scene 6
Steve and Crew are ready to be sacrificed during the production of a piece of theatre in which they will star but in which will also be killed for real.
Well known Hollywood movie director: Ok my dears, are we all going to stop fidgeting and get on our marks?
Steve: I’m not an actor they’re going to kill me!
Director: Oh never mind all the union red-tape luvvie we’ll sort that out.
Steve: No, it’s not that! I mean, they’re going to kill me.
Director: Oh don’t you worry about that, you’re going to be in a special film. Perhaps the rarest and most powerful film in the world. All of those movies I make are nothing compared to this momentarily lost for words …quintessence of raw nature. Yes that’s it, life sex and death, all real. Total-theatre, where the theatre becomes the reality. What then? oh popcorn chomping plebian, what then? When the doors of the theatre won’t let you out because the film is still in your head starts laughing demonically.
Steve: You’re fucking nuts.
Big Fella: suddenly standing up and growling loudly If you don’t watch your foul mouth I’ll pull it out of your face. I don’t care what they’ve got planned for y’, if you get on the wrong side of me I’ll kill you meself.
Crew looks at Steve and silently mouths the word: Holy fuck!
Director: Slowly No, not nuts. After a pause But I have had a fair bit of fruit! Haha! delighted with his apparent ‘joke’ Come on cheer up you guys, we’re gonna be rolling in a few minutes. I can only do so much in the edit, I need you guys to help me to help you to help you look good in this. This is big guys! It’s the role of your life. Laughing and jostling with Crew You’re in the movies baby!
Crew: Really? To Steve Am I in the movies baby?
Steve: No. We’re about to be killed and they’re going to film it. It’s called a ‘snuff-movie’ and it’s the one movie you don’t want to be in.
Steve: Well, let’s say, ‘because you never get paid.’
Crew: Johnny Depp did?
Steve: Johnny Depp did what?
Crew: Got paid. For selling himself to a snuff film for Marlon Brando.
Steve: Oh? Never heard of that theory. How would that work anyway because Brando is dead and Depp is alive? Did it backfire or something?
Crew: Maybe, it’s in the movie The Brave.
Steve: So it’s a movie?
Crew: It got slated. It’s sort of weird. But very colourful.
Steve: Oh. Ok. After a pause er Crew, you do presumably know that the movies are not real, but the actors ARE real people? It wasn’t Johnny Depp’s life in the film, he was playing a character.
Crew: He wrote and directed it!
Steve: Really? Even so, it’s not about Johnny Depp’s life.
Crew: How do you know?
Docs: intervening I think we’re getting sidetracked from the real issue at hand.
Director: gleefully A timely interruption there sir, I couldn’t have paced it better myself. If only we could work together again, but alas no, the Gods have decreed that we should meet just this one night under this fabled hill and….
Steve: seriously to the director Can you stop being a twat for one second please, while we think of a way out of this.
Director: Oh I’m sorry Duckie, there’ll be no ‘way out of this’ for you considering though if you were Equity I’d be duty bound to get you out of this mess, but as it is! You’re not in the union so you have no rights.
Crew: I don’t want to be in the movies baby. I’m scared, I think you’re weird.
Director: Behave yourself darlings or you’ll lose speech-rights. In fact, Daisy motioning to a big security guard Tie them and gag them up would you love?
Big Fella: My name’s not Daisy y’puff.
Crew: It’s Big Fella!
Director: Looking Big Fella up and down Hey who let you in? You’re not one of us.
Big Fella: Oh yes I am. Me and mine was here a long time before your pansy breed danced its way into town. I’m old-school evil, not like you effeminate monkeys in the media playing tricks with people’s minds. Nothing false about me, I’ve got no false airs, the only thing stopped me tearing you from arsehole to beak is my allegiance to a fellow Tailor. I hate you and your sordid life and I would kill you myself, but evil days make for strange fellow travelers, and we must work together.
Director: Work together? With you! Never! You sordid ape! You baboon! You lumpen lump of a man. I shall not share a stage with such as thee. Screams loudly.
Another big fella comes over suddenly hurries to the sound of the screaming.
Even Bigger Fella: What is it?
Director: It’s this man, he is not one of us. He persecuted me because of my sexuality. I am a victim of persecution!
Even Bigger Fella: Oh how terrible! looks over to the security guard we’ll have him fed to ravening wild dogs we keep penned in the woods gives him a wink Come with me you vile disgusting and revolting little man.
Big Fella: snorts It’s not me who shoves me wedge up another man’s coal cupboard.
Even Bigger Fella: That’s enough of that, remember the dogs.
Big Fella: with a wry smile Oh the terror! Still, hungry dogs would be better company than ‘im.
They leave and station themselves outside.
Even Bigger Fella is heard to say ‘what a twat!’…..
The Director frowns then glares at Steve, Crew and Docs.
Crew: smacking his lips Ooh, I’m feeling really dry, asking the director have you got any water?
Director: angrily camp Do I look like a gushing fountain? No, I haven’t got any water.
Crew: I’m drying up here. I feel like I’m turning into a cricket. All itchy and hot. Don’t like it.
Docs: Yes, this man has been drugged, he is in need of medical attention.
Director: Is he? Well I’m sorry my dears but I’ve left my nurse’s costume at home. Just get on your marks dahings we’re ready to shoot this.
Pluto comes forward and readies himself for his performance.
Pluto: Pluto is ready!
Crew: Wait a minute, I’m not ready, what are my lines?
Director: Archly You don’t have any lines dahling, you’re not in the union!
Crew: But what do I have to do?
Director: All you have to do is die darling. Getting camply flustered Now can we get on?
The props-manage hands Pluto a sharpened trident and the director starts filming.
Steve: looking at the trident: Bloody hell, what’s that for?
The director is furious that Steve has spoken and gesticulates wild throat cutting gestures and fist pummels aimed at Steve. He is hissing with rage.
Pluto comes towards them, he readies himself to lunge at Steve with his trident, he comes closer, raises his arms back and is about to stab when the sounds of a mobile phone is heard. It is The Raider’s of the Lost Arc theme tune, the director is incandescent with rage now and starts shouting.
Director: Right that’s it! Let’s go again.
John Hampton: shaking his head No, that’s a rap. And punches the director unconscious.
Crew: sardonically Good afternoon Dr Jones.
John Hampton: winks I’m alright kid,
Steve: What was all that performance, selling us ou? We thought it was real.
John Hampton: Well, it kind of was. But I had it all planned and I knew I could snap out of it on-queue with the audio cue, but above all, you had to believe it was real. These people can perfectly read your mind you know.
John Hampton: Well, yeah. That’s why these people join these sorts of gangs. They get a hint that some people out there can do something that they can’t and they imagine that something will make all their dreams come true. So they join up and can’t wait to have all those amazing psychic powers. Doesn’t really turn out to be as good as they thought it would be though.
Crew: Can you read minds?
John Hampton: Er, well I used to. Then I learned how not to again.
Crew: How come?
John Hampton: Well, when you get the power it’s like a tap which is gushing all this stuff into your head, except you can’t turn it off. Anyway these people can read you like a book. You HAD to believe I had betrayed you, if not we would all have been in the stew right from the get-go. You see I knew they were going to hypnotise me anyway, so there’s no way I wouldn’t have denounced you, however, if I believed I had already denounced you, then my hypnotized self would be satisfied, and thus phase two of the plan, how to break their spell: It’s taken me years to implant the Raiders of the Last Arc theme tune as a trigger to full recall, they said it couldn’t be done, but I have broken the back of their mind-control! And now we shall break the back of the Tailors?
John Hampton: Not sure yet. I think we’d better try to track down those bangers of yours, if only I can remember what my silly hypnotized self did with them.
Docs: Maybe we can use the bangers to break Cecilia’s trance.
Crew: What if she doesn’t smoke?
Steve: Crew, be serious.
Crew: I can’t man, I’m tripping!
Steve: You’re not tripping, it’s called being poisoned, this isn’t a squat rave Crew.
Crew: I’m just trying to get my groove on, don’t bring me down.
Steve: Bring you down?
John Hampton: Leave him, we ought to find him some water though. I think he’ll be alright, he might get a bit of nausea though, they won’t have spiked him with anything synthetic, they only use organic natural plant derived drugs here, they’re fanatical about health and nutrition, too bad they let their spiritual health go to shit though. So he’s bound to get mushroom-belly sooner or later. Would have been a high dose as well, no half measures here, so he’s only in the beginning stages of the trip. They could have given him ergot extract or pure psylocibin.
Crew: So I am tripping?
John Hampton: Well just hang on to your pants because the trip has only just begun. Is this feeling familiar to you?
Crew: Of course, feels like acid.
John Hampton: Well, get ready to start entering doors within doors because it’s going to get hyper.
If you love tripping your nuts off and possibly temporarily losing your mind, you’ll be ok.
Crew: Great! You guy’s’ll look after me though.
Docs and Steve unite and do a group fist bump with Crew, John Hampton joins them.
Steve: Don’t worry bud, we’re here for you. We’ll try to keep up huh?
Crew: Thanks man. Oh wow! Something’s happening. Crew’s eyes become wide wide open. Huh! A grunt of surprise and slight alarm. I’m coming up.
Steve: I thought you’d already come-up?
Crew: I’m coming up again Steve, it’s a trip within a trip.
John Hampton: sagely Doors within doors, yeah, I know the stuff he’s on now, it’s Devil’s weed.
Steve: Of course, how could it not be?
John Hampton: continuing But they’ve cut it with mescalin. They drugged British soldiers with it at Jamestown..
Crew: suddenly crying out Uhh Steve, there’s something moving, all over me. Ahh look, BUGS! Panicking get the bugs off me Steve!
Steve: Crew, I can’t see any bugs.
Crew: I can, at least I can feel them and sometimes I can see them, cautiously can’ see to see them now though suddenly Urggh! Yes, there they are, swarming all over them, you’ll have to squash them all over me, I can’t stand it, I can’t stand swarming insects Steve you know that.
Crew: motioning to Steve where the bugs are Here steve here, squish your hand right on this spot, there’s hundred.
Steve: uncertainly Well buddy, I can’t see ‘em, but I’m going to help you out buddy, you tell me where and I’ll squish ‘em! Steve is happily slapping Crew’s body wherever he indicates and this goes on for several moments.
John Hampton: intervening No Steve that’s not going to help, there’ll only be more, from the crushed bodies of the dead insects a dozen eggs hatch and more appear. I know the terrain on this one, they use it in the initiations. Had it many times. Addressing Crew Crew, there’s no bugs there, you’re body is just itching as a slight reaction to the slight toxicity of the Jimson weed, your body is experiencing symptoms so your now activated subconscious mind is filling in the picture to explain what it is feeling. It’s kind of like a waking dream.
John suddenly lowers his head and brings down Docs and Steve for a chat on the down-low.
John Hampton: Guys, don’t react, but Crew may die.
Steve: a surpressed shushed roar Whaaat! You said he was tripping?
John Hampton: It was fine until he got the bugs, that’s a sign that the toxicity is strong, it is a capricious plant. You never know how strong it is, it varies from plant to plant and to leaf to leaf, that’s why they love using it, adds a note of danger to the initiations.
Docs: Do people die during the initiations?
John Hampton: with the mock Tailor ‘charm’ No or course not old boy. Wouldn’t be fitting for the poor deluded ol’ beggar to die half way through the holy ceremony, they die when they get home. After the initiations and the party.
Steve: Oh my God that’s terrible.
John Hampton: Of course it is, these guys ain’t the boy scouts. That way they blame his death on excess at the banquet. Our man slides out and presents himself as the undertaker and it all gets rapped up. All very tragic but that’s life.
Steve: It’s insane.
John Hampton: Welcome to the Illuminati. They are insane. The drugs Russian roulette is only one of the many ‘excitements’ which come from being ‘one of the boys’, or girls.
Steve: Jesus? Are you kidding. What do we do?
John Hampton: We just have to see what happens.
Docs: Get him some charcoal!
Docs: Charcoal will absorb the toxins and may save him, we’ve got to try it.
John Hampton: Ok guys, that’s the number one priority then, we’ll get blue robes so we’ll blend in, all the dignitaries wear white robes. If you’re in blue then you’re sure to be sacrificed at some point so you’re unlikely to be at liberty, that means we all need to get changed quick, including me in my crazy watery fancy dress costume. Then we get some charcoal into Crew ok?
Steve: Tell him 99 percent chocolate or something and he’ll scoff it without noticing that he’s eating burnt wood.
John Hampton: Ok chaps, we’ll get through this, just be natural.
Steve: unnaturally So Crew? Er….how you feeling? Cursing himself quietly er I mean, are you hungry? would you like some chocolate?
Crew: have we got some chocolate? I want some water, I’m drying up drying than a dryfly in the dry season.
Steve: momentarily sidetracked and shifting back into character What’s a dryfly?
Crew: A dryfly is a flying insect whose bite produces dehydration as a side effect to the toxins in it’s venom.
Docs: More dehyrdration.
Crew then starts going into an eloquent treatise on life on other planets, in particular the life on a planet known to the inhabitants as Owuluf which include the afore-mentioned Dryfly, the Sausage Stoat and the Strident Penguins, these are obviously translations of the original words in the Owuluf language, but the creatures here, like on many similarly sized rocky planets, are all quite similar, except they different shapes or they have vastly different personalities.
Crew: continuing Dogs on Owuluf are very bossy and scrupulously prim and proper, often refraining from the brazen behavior of Earth dogs, at least in public, and they can speak the language because it happens to sound a bit like dogs making noises. Communication between the Owulufians and the Haughty Dogs began when one of….
They leave the room with Crew still jabbering on.
Steve: quietly to the others We’ve got to put a stop to this, life on other planets? Is this real or has he lost his mind.
John Hampton: Who knows. Often Devil’s weed use promotes spiritual experiences, travelling without moving, astral projection. It is used by the Tailors to contact the extra-dimensional beings. This why it is known as the Devil’s Weed, upon consumption in the hungry times of the 1930’s people would eat it and report meeting the devil and all his little demons. It’s been used in North America for possibly thousands of years by the Cherokee Indians. Half way across the world the dark Hindu cults have also used it for centuries to contact Shiva the destroyer.
Steve: Great, another lecture.
John Hampton: You should take notes, there’ll be a test.
The men change into white robes with cowls. Docs goes off and returns with some charcoal from the incense brazier and has found some water in the director’s bag and he mutters cheeky fucker as he looks at his unconscious body.
Docs: Hey Crew, I found that chocolate and some water.
Docs put the charcoal directly into Crew’s mouth, and then basically forces the water into him, as if he’s giving a cat worming tablets.
Crew: Barghghg! What did you do that for?
Docs: apologetically Sorry man, I thought you were desperate so I thought I had to kind of force feed you. Did you swallow the charc..c.c.c.c.chocolate?
Crew: ruefully Yeah. After a pause Can I have some more?
Docs: Er, ok, but just a little he cautiously hands a small piece of charcoal into Crew’s hand, half expecting him to scream that it’s a piece of burnt wood, but instead he pops it happily in his mouth.
Crew having eaten his charcoal and drunk some water appears a little happier. John and Steve exchange nervous looks.
Crew: What about the Queen?
Crew: Kora? Queen of the underworld. Shall we take her with us?
Steve: It’s not Kora, it’s Cecilia.
Crew: Are you sure? She keeps telling me her name is Kora Queen of the Underworld.
Steve: Huh? When? I didn’t see her talk to you Crew?
Crew: Well no because she’s talking straight into my mind. Keeps saying she is Queen of the Whatsit and that we must die soon so we should prepare ourselves by praying to her, and maybe she will reward us in the next life.
Steve: to John What he’s talking about now John?
John Hampton: thoughtfully Hmmmm, yes he’s picking up an astral psychic connection. Looking at Crew critically. Let’s hope he doesn’t get caught up in her delusion though….
Act 5 scene 7
The Grounds of Felchester Abbey. John Hampton, Steve, Crew, Docs and Kora are all dressed in blue cowls and are making their way furtively out of the cave entrance.
John Hampton notices that some of the others attendees have noticed their uncertain gait.
John Hampton: Sotto voce Guys, if you’re gonna stumble around looking like the Scooby Doo crew we’ll be spotted in a second. Stand up straight! Ordering: Arrogance! Look at the way these guys are moving around. These people own the world and they know it. If we’re not gonna get killed you’ve gotta blend in. They can smell your fear already.
A few of the cowled men approach Crew and Steve almost sniffing them out and finding their scent alien, weak and beguiling.
Hampton shoots Steve a significant look as the two men approach.
Crew: quavering Errr…. Hello gentlemen.
Steve: trying to take his cue from John but not knowing how to pull it off and instead performing a very bad impersonation of a plummy rugby club guy he used to know at uni and apparently adding some Dickensian prose for good measure: Well chaps, what is your business with us here this evening?
John Hampton: doing a classic face-palm and saying to himself under his breath: They’d be much more scared of you if you just spoke with your normal accents; that’s the one thing these guys can’t front up against: the working classes.
Blue Cowled man: His face is invisible, lurking at the back of the hood. From the darkness What have we here? Slowly with stress on the consonants: Frressshhh mmeattt.
Steve: Jesus! Turning to Crew They’re Orcs man!
Crew: Soundling more and more like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Orcs? I’m scared!
Suddenly there is a flash of light. Or there appears to be. The Blue-Cowled man is sent flying back onto the ground where he lays smouldering and immobile.
Kora: Low born human FILTH! How dare you filth pollute my presence? I can read your sordid little minds. Men! You are dogs humping your own legs and anything you can trap between those hairy and malshapen members. Feel my female power, right between your legs. How’dyou like me now bitch?
John looks at Kora while the other man in the blue-cowl picks up his smoking brother.
Second Blue Cowled man: Not again! Can’t take you anywhere….. Oh well, let’s bring you back to life again. I’m feeling faint as it is, you’ll drink me dry you will. Who’d be a vampire? I ask you!
The Blue Cowled Man turns to Kora with his eyes lowered Sorry your highness, we didn’t expect to see you out here. It is an honor to be in your presence and an honour for him I am sure indicating with his head the blue cowled man he is carrying to be struck by one of your energy bolts.
Kora smiles: Yes I am sure. With a strong black ghetto accent Though I don’t wanna see you little white pussies creeping roun’ my ends no more. Y’git me? Kisses her teeth loudly Little old Harry Potter bitches. Becoming leery and very sassy Yeah, das right I didn’t say no ‘witches’.. slowly and focusing her whole attention on the man holding the other smouldering man, and apparently the smouldering man himself who is apparently having his spirit sucked out of his body so Kora can give him a dressing down I said ‘Bitches’. Harry, Potter, Bitches.
The smouldering man’s spirit groans at being called a Harry Potter Bitch.
Kora: Suddenly becoming really sweet and much more like Cecilia: Ok you can go now.
Steve: To John. What happened to you? International man of mystery? With your bullet-proof physicist mates and your hot-police-proof hatchback! Where were you? How come Cecilia had to save my life.
Crew: Murmuring in his delirium Again!
Steve: Turning to answer Crew: Yeah, again. But not finding him there. He spots him sat on the grass. Crew mate, what are you doing down there?
Crew: Talking to Kora. She saved your lives again.
Steve: Well technically that was Cecilia.
Crew: Shaking his head and laughing with a new mania No, that’s not it. They’re together now. That was Cecilia you saw just then. She was working together with Kora.
Steve: What’s going on? How do you know this?
Crew: I told you I was just talking to her.
John Hampton: He might be right.
Steve: Anyway, I’m not going to be distracted from my point by my mate Crew apparently now being a psychic master. Why did you just stand there as they looked me over and got all Orcy. Fucking nearly shat myself John.
John Hampton: I couldn’t do anything. They were grand vampire grandfathers of the Illuminati, they would have destroyed me with their evil. I might have a few tricks up my sleeve but I don’t have all the tricks.
Steve: I seriously thought he was going to eat me.
John Hampton: No. Steve looks up raising his eyebrows looking for reassurance. They’d have had sex with you first. pauses Then eaten you.
Steve: Sardonically Oh thanks!
Docs: Intervening Let’s just count ourselves lucky neither of the two were on the menu tonight. Let’s count our blessings and figure out how to find those doobies.
John Hampton: Holding his head It’s no good. I can’t for the life of me remember where I put them. The whole thing is a total blank. I must have been hypnotized before I put them away. I never can remember what I do when I’m hypnotized.
Steve: You should thank yourself lucky for that.
Docs: I suppose the reason for that is that it isn’t you anymore in your body at all, but the demonic spirit which has invaded it.
John Hampton: Of course. So it is hopeless, I won’t be able to remember where I put the weapons grade stash because it wasn’t me who put it there.
Kora: Looking over at them: You are sure to die soon you mortals, but for the moment you entertain me, and for some reason, I have an unaccountable fondness for you.
Crew: Winks to Steve mouthing the words: Cecilia.
Kora: I know someone who may be able to help you find what you have lost, you will follow me, they start to come over towards her, she adds archly at a respectful distance!
Docs: Sorry, bowing of course your majesty! Giving Steve and John a secret thumbs-up.
They start to back-off and wait until Kora is a walking a good ten metres ahead.
They follow Kora after a short walk, into the manor house. They go into the room where Cecilia originally awoke.
Kora: In Cecilia’s voice Little Suzy? Are you here? Little Suzy I need your help.
After a wait of some moments and the flickering of candles after which a cold air seems to enter the room. Suddenly from out of the fireplace, cautiously appears the ghost of Little Suzy.
Kora: Ahh, little Suzy! There you are!
Little Suzy: Uncertainly Ooo, ma’m, I’m frightened.
Steve: You’re frightened? You’re the ghost, I’m the one who’s supposed to be frightened.
Little Suzy: looking at Kora and sniffling, as if about to cry Mam, I don’t like it, it’s strange. You’ve turned strange like one of them, and them waving a ghostly hand at Steve and Crew, I don’t know who they are, are they farmers? I’ve never seen them before.
Kora: Little Suzy, it’s ok, I’ve found some friends to play with. Can you help us? My friend has lost something valuable and we wondered if you knew where it was because you’re always creeping about the place.
Little Suzy sees John Hampton and suddenly shrieks and disappears.
Kora: What is it Little Suzy? He’s ok, he’s my friend. He’s my best friend. Friends should like other friends’ friends Little Suzy. We’re all just friends here.
The voice of Little Suzy: I know that man. He’s one of ‘them’. It’s Pluto. He has the Devil inside him.
John Hampton: No, no, I had to infiltrate the organization and get hypnotised but then I managed to use a ring-tone as a trigger to deprogram my subconscious mind.
Little Suzy: I don’t understand.
John Hampton: thinking, after a moment It was a game! I was pretending to be Pluto in a game.
Little Suzy: You weren’t pretending when I saw you about to kill those farmers with your trident. I ran away.
John Hampton: Well, no I was possessed yes, but I’m better now, and those farmers, well it’s these same fellows here, indicating Crew, Steve and Docs to wherever Little Suzy might now be hiding. You see, it WAS just a game. Just a very complicated and dangerous one.
Slowly from out of the shadows Little Suzy cautiously comes forward.
Little Suzy: Looking at John Hampton from deep under her brows I saw you, I was hiding though my old nan said it’s rude to peep on people without them knowing it.
John Hampton: Well not this time Little Suzy, this time you did the best thing a little girl could do!
Little Suzy brightens up and the candles flare up to flood the room with light.
Crew: Suddenly laughing from his place on the floor. Light!
John Hampton: I’ve lost something, I’ve put it somewhere but I can’t remember where it is.
Little Suzy: Was it when you were dressed as that bad man?
John Hampton: Yes it was young lady.
Little Suzy: flatly I’m nearly 400 years old. Thinking Well I saw you leaving the farmers behind to be tied up and taken to the special horrible cave where they do horrible things, then I saw that horrible man who does the horrible things to the children, she screams, his name is Johnny St Vile, he is not really human but is possessed by a demon; since he was a child he has been like that. He came over to you and whispered something to you then you became the devil man. And you went into this house, upstairs…
John Hampton: anxiously repeating Upstairs yes.
Little Suzy: Then into the upstairs cellar and you put something under the secret stone in the cellar where it can never be found unless you know where it is.
John Hampton: The secret stone! Of course. But which secret stone! There are so many. Will you come with us little Suzy into the cellar and help me find which stone it was?
Little Suzy: Shrieks and screams No no no no no, I can’t go in there, I can’t never!
John Hampton shrugs.
Kora: Oh please Little Suzy, we really need your help.
Little Suzy: I’m sorry Miss I promise but I can’t.
John Hampton: But you did before. You followed me and peeped on me when I was hiding the things.
Little Suzy: considering Ahh, but I was curious. Now I’m just too scared.
John Hampton: But you’re safe now, you’re with us. Me, remember I was the powerful God Pluto Little Suzy visibly jumps with slight fright and Kora here is a Goddess too, and we have our friends the farmers here indicating Crew Steve and Docs. Besides, they can’t hurt you, you’re already dead.
Little Suzy: But I get terrible nightmares whenever I get too close to evil things. There’s sure to be something evil in the cellar, there always is. Or something strange and sad.
Kora: If you come with us and help us Little Suzy I will be able to help you to leave this place forever and go into the infinite light.
Little Suzy: really Miss? I haven’t seen any infingy light here for a long time.
Kora: But remember that I am a Goddess and I have the light right here! Kora raises her hand and suddenly a light emits from it which slowly starts to fill the whole room. Suddenly to the people in the room, there is the impression of warm sunlight and cool breezes, a cool seaside on a hot Summer’s day momentarily fills the room. Little Suzy’s eyes light up and suddenly she becomes as if she were alive again, her pretty auburn hair with blond in parts which seems to sparkle in the light, she smiles and jumps up with glee at feeling herself filled with life and energy once more. Then, as suddenly, it dissipates. And Suzy is amazed as she slowly reverts to her phantom condition. You see Little Suzy, you will be able to play there forever, but you must prove yourself worthy of this fine reward by helping us.
Crew: Laughing Light!
Little Suzy: Still amazed I didn’t know you could do that Miss!
Kora: I’m Kora the Goddess, I can do things like that.
Little Suzy: Well I don’t know who you think you are but I know you’re my best friend Cecilia the Clever and Brave.
Kora: Cecilia the Clever and Brave! Well I should be honoured to be thus named, in addition to my official designation of course as Queen of the Underworld.
They go upstairs into the cellar and enter the crypt and altar. They discover inside the room an old dusty box sat on a stone on the altar.
Docs: Goes over to the stone and tries to lift it It’s heavy, feels magnetic to me, some kind of iron meteorite.
John Hampton: Wait a minute don’t do that, whatever you do don’t move it.
Docs: Grunting too late, blimey it sure is heavy, would make a good work-out he starts doing reps lifting it up and down.
John Hampton: That stone you’ve just removed has a magnetic field which was containing a smaller electro-magnetic field inside that dusty box there. Whatever it is, for some reason, is contained within a magnetic prison. Now it has been released.
Steve: Yeah, AND we’re in a spooky evil crypt in the UPSTAIRS of a spooky evil house in the middle of a spooky evil Illuminati party. Whatever it is can’t be good!
Suddenly there is a burst of light from the box and Naomi Spence appears still dressed as she was when she was abducted from her concert.
Steve: Nodding I was right.
Naomi Spence: Why you hating on me already? You don’t know me.
Kora: Delightedly Wow! This is great! I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you at last!
Naomi Spence: You like my stuff?
Kora: I love it!
Naomi Spence nods and looks at Cecilia. Do you know the dances? Naomi starts to dance and Kora starts to match her moves until they are totally coordinated and in sync.
Cecilia: This is the best day of my life. Suddenly there is a blast of cool air which seems to rise up then leave.
Crew: She’s gone!
Cecilia: Yes, she’s gone, Kora has gone about her business. It’s me Cecilia….. This is some crazy stuff right?
Steve: sardonically It’s just one treat after another.
John Hampton: I wonder why she left. Maybe it’s because your own happiness broke through or something.
Little Suzy crouches down and indicates the secret pivot stone where hypnotized John Hampton had hidden the stash.
Little Suzy: Here it is! This is where you put the things.
John Hampton reaches down and deftly depresses the secret spot in the special swivel stone. It turns smoothly on it’s incredibly precise turning moment and John reaches in to bring out the weed.
John Hampton: I don’t believe it! It’s gone!
Little Suzy: Well that’s where you put it!
John Hampton: What happened after I left this place and went down to the cave?
Little Suzy: Trying to remember as she does so, visions seem to fill the air. Her thoughts and movements being reconstructed in her memory are visible in the gloom around her. Suddenly Johnny St Vile appears in the vision and Little Suzy shrieks, Ahh, the horrible man, now I remember, he was waiting in the dark as you came out, he came in here!
Suddenly the door bursts open!
Johnny St Vile: bawling And I am here now little piggies! Time to chop you up. He produces a huge butcher’s knife which he raises above his head. Looking at John. Shame about you John, I thought you were one of us. Have to admire you breaking the hypnosis. I’d better chop you first, then we can mop the others-up at our leisure, suddenly his eyes burn with red fire and he raises his machete.
Cecilia: Cecilia attempts to transmit the commanding tone of Kora: Wait Vile!
Johhny St Vile: Turns slowly to Cecilia. Oh, I am sorry your highness. He casts his eyes down and starts murmuring strongly: Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you later?
Cecilia: How dare you speak to me, the Queen of the Underworld like that?
Johhny St Vile: Smiling, slowly looks up: The Queen isn’t here anymore young lady, you can give up the act, but she’ll be back later you’ll see.
Johnny St Vile: Now, where was I? Looks down at the collection of rolled cigarettes he is carrying. Laughing to himself. So these chancers thought they could come here and flog weed to the Great Family? Still chuckling to himself. I used to smoke this all the time in the discos. Laughing How’d you think it got into the country? We’d run the nightclubs to flog the stuff. I’d use it on the girls to make ‘em feel sleepy and warm so they’d get their bras off for me. Laughing a dirty laugh. Steve very subtly looks at John who returns his look.
I think I’ll smoke one of these gentleman’s special cigars then I can kill you with a smile on my face.
Johnny lights up one of the big ones.
Johnny St Vile: You needn’t think this’ll mellow me out and turn me into a hippy. Grass always made me violent. It’s the way I’m wired. He smokes a big lungful. Suddenly there is a long prolonged scream which pierces the night and echoes throughout the whole grounds. The cellar in the house becomes ground zero of an aetheric energy explosion of such force that everyone is knocked instantly to the ground. When the smoke clears a dying Johnny St Vile is lying on the floor.
Johnny St.Vile: Looking around him in wide eyed wonder. Who am I?
Naomi Spence: turning to Johnny You are the world’s nastiest cunt and she boots his dying body so hard his body is smacked straight into the stone floor. Thus died Johnny St Vile, beloved friend of Israel of Prince Charles, of Tony Blair, the NHS, the BBC; the evil man who had invaded the UK with a secret demonic agenda studied and learned through years of schizophrenic communication with spirits, passes from this world.
Act 5 Scene 8
Steve and Docs quickly get to work handing out joints and lighting them.
Docs: Light multiple joints for a spare. If one goes out you might not have enough fire power!
Steve: Laughing for once Enough fire-power? Didn’t you see what this stuff did to paedo Johnny?
Docs: Just in case. We can’t be certain yet if the effect is consistent. Besides, he smoked it himself! And it was one of the rockets too!
They all leave the cellar holding joints in each hand. Naomi Spence has been quietly briefed and has a joint in each hand. And is smoking them alternately.
Naomi Spence: Ahh, I feel so clear! It really DOES chase out your demons this stuff! I can’t hear the voices anymore.
They hear noises and shouts coming into the house.
Steve: Well I can hear those voices: they must have heard St Vile’s demon exploding.
Steve: So ok how do we do this?
John Hampton: Good question!
They do not need to be given time to think for an answer because the answer is provided for them by the destruction wrought upon the men as they come into contact with the protective smoke wafting all around the company. As soon as they smell the smoke it is enough to break their mind control and send the demon fried back into hell. Suddenly all of the shouting and angry men in cowls all seem to come to themselves and start chatting and asking where on Earth they are and what’s going on.
Prime Minister: I say, does anyone know what’s going on? I can’t remember a damned thing!
King of Spain: stumbling towards Naomi ¿Dónde estoy? He perdido mi memoria.
Naomi Spence: Huh? I’m sorry I don’t speak Spanish.
King of Spain: Lo seinto… I try to say, I am forgotten my memory….Do you know who Iyam?
Naomi Spence: No idea. But if you’re here you’re probably some kind of evil pervert I would have thought.
The King frowns mumbling ‘perverso’ and wanders off.
For a while the men are confused and disturbed and don’t know who they are and they just chat like forgetful old men and some women.
English prince: looking around him and appearing to realize something Excuse me! He is largely ignored so he raises his voice adopts a commanding tone Listen to me! I think I know what we’re doing here. We’re wearing these creepy costumes like from some weird movie about dark evil satanic rites.
A noise of assent and agreement stirs up from the now vaguely interested crowd.
French occultist: He is right!
English prince: So whatever is happening we are the bad guys and they pointing to Steve Crew and the others are the good guys.
The sound of dawning realization comes from the erstwhile forgetful participants.
News-presenter: So what shall we do? I don’t even know my own name.
Famous pop musician and pianist: So we must chase them round and round until they all fall down starts laughing hysterically
Steve and Crew come out of the house and face to face with Mr Hands.
Mr Hands: grinning and rubbing his hands together Yes indeed. We must most certainly chase them.
Steve: taking a big draw on a joint and blasting it into Mr Hands’ face Take that you boney looking ghoul bag
Mr Hands: after the smoke clears I’m sorry son, there’s no smoking allowed here.
Mr Hands cuffs Steve hard around the right eye with his Tailor’s ring drawing blood and knocking Steve to the ground.
Mr Hands: the façade of kindly but creepy old man suddenly falls away leaving a very dangerous and self confident and extremely psychotic being Now you have a scar there son. Is your name Mark? You thought your poxy little puff factory would work on me? I’m not like these brainless vessels waving dismissively at the King of Spain and the Prime Minister of England. I am the MASTER…. My will is my own because the dark one and I are ONE.
Mr Hands: calling out to a group of still confused men in wizarding robes who seem to be having a little conference of their own: Come here you men.
Spokesperson of the forgetful wizards: I’m not sure that we will, we haven’t yet picked a side.
Mr Hands: You old fool, you picked a side lifetimes ago or you wouldn’t be in those robes.
Spokesperson of the forgetful wizards: Well hang on there a moment, we need to clear this up. We all appear to be dressed in the same way so we’ve decided we’re going to band together and make a joint decision about who and what we do.
Mr Hands: quietly cursing for God’s sake. You old band of fools.
Spokesperson of the forgetful wizards: Who says we’re fools? Maybe we’re the masters here.
One of the less confused confused wizards prods the spokesperson of the confused wizards.
Less confused wizard: quietly but not quietly enough not to be overheard What if we were doing something bad? Well, if we were doing something bad we must have been doing it for a good reason. I mean, all this must be here for a reason. So maybe we should just carry on doing what we were doing in the first place.
Spokesperson of the confused wizards: ponders for a moment But we don’t really know what we were doing in the first place.
Less confused wizard: Take a look around. Burning torches, creepy old house, old men in robes. It can’t be something good and if it isn’t, then that guy pointing to Mr Hands, definitely looks the worst and creepiest around, he must be the boss.
The spokesperson of the confused wizards stops and finding the logic difficult to refute, adopts a slightly thwarted look on his face: Hmmm, very well. You may continue Master turns around to less confused wizard and surreptitiously hits him. There is an OW clearly annunciated from within the confused wizards and Mr Hands smiles and continues as leader.
Mr Hands: And now suddenly returning to his guise as erudite and essentially harmless school teacher my dear though rather naughty young friend Cecilia Green must return to us for the culmination of the night’s revels which despite the loss of our esteemed friend Jimmy St Vile, we will continue a clock tower strikes and a bell is heard right on cue.
The smoke from the weed slowly dissipates and ceases to be effective as the assembled throng, restored to their wills, effectively decide that they are evil anyway and would very much like to continue as planned. Particularly as there are dim memories of an orgy taking place a little later.
Mr Hands: You see John and your clever, though scruffly little pothead friends. Your weed no longer has the desired effect. Some people are just born this way? Why discriminate? Let us have our fun…. At their expense….
John Hampton: defiantly Not without a fight Hands!
Mr Hands: his eyes lighting up and pouting his lips with delight Shall we wrestle? No, a duel! I’ve always wanted to do that. So Byronesque. He was a fine Tailor of a man was Lord Byron. I had you as a man very much after his heart you know. You do so disappoint me with all this new found ‘morality’ of yours you know. Besides, what is this all about anyway Hampton? Why are you siding with these worthless oafs? Signalling to the cowled men to restrain them
John Hampton: Who says they’re worthless?
Mr Hands: Oh come on man, take a look at them. They are restrained by a dozen hands and cannot move What do they do but bumble around in their half life moving from one pronounces the word with disdain ‘cheeseburger’ to the next? Watching television and buying tinned beans in supermarkets. They’re scarcely alive at all Hampton! I thought you were headed for the stars John, like us. Living eternally in the astral light with the Earth perpetually under your gaze and at your command. Considering a moment I’ll tell you what, we can make this work for both of us. I shall make you an example of my infinite mercy. I will forgive you and readmit you to the infernal light. But you know what you must do. Mr Hands hands Hampton a ceremonial dagger. Do it now John. You’re one of us, you always were. I can’t hypnotise you, you seem to have foiled even my best tricks but you can be like me, a free and willing servant of evil dwelling forever in the heart of the dark star pointing to a specific place in the night sky and we shall climb the serpent’s tail together.
John Hampton turns to Steve and Crew. A new look has come into John Hampton’s eyes, a growing malice and a disquieting smirk at the corner of his mouth.
Steve: seeing this new look in John’s eyes resignedly holds up his hands and turning to the others Ahh, that’s it then. At least we tried. I think this is as far as we go on this one guys.
Docs: considering Meh. I suppose so. We did well to get this far really to be honest. Who’d have known these guys are just naturally evil. I thought once we blew the demons out that would do the trick. But hey ho, there y’go. You live and learn.
Steve: wanly tries to crack a joke Well, not so much of the living anymore.
Docs gives a mirthless dry single laugh.
Crew: The bad guys always win, everyone knows that. Life isn’t a movie.
Docs: pleasantly surprised Hey Crew, you’re straight again…. Well, that’s something I guess.
Crew: Yeah, thanks for that ‘chocolate’.
Steve: winking There’s nothing that Crew won’t swallow.
All three of them smile and chuckle for a moment, then await John’s work with the ceremonial knife.
John Hampton: for a moment is still, holding the knife. The strange look suddenly leaves his eyes and he throws it down to the ground. Never. These baked bean eating stragglers are my friends. I could never in my life imagine anyone facing death so bravely. These are better men than you give them credit for and I will gladly die by their side as one of them.
Docs: considering well…not so great for John and no better for us.
Mr Hands: surprised raising one eyebrow in a slightly camp malefic gesture of surprise, like an evil Kenneth Williams then he shrugs. Hmm. I thought you’d do something recklessly and self destructively noble like that….. There’s something about you. Lost in thought for a moment, appears unsure of what to do next. Make a sudden decision. Ok bring them with us. I don’t know why but I like you Hampton, and your stupid friends….. Would be a shame to kill you somehow, at least right now… stops for a moment again apparently lost in thought I’ll have to think of a more noble and deserving end for you and your unwashed friends laughs sinisterly.
They all walk away from the house towards the Hellwood caves.